Bob, The Rash Came Back -- Sue

2002-12-19T01:03:00.000-05:00

I miss you. Every night I roll over and reach for you, and then I want to cry when I realize that you're not there. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I have a hard time going back to sleep because the warmth of your body isn't forming its protective safety shield over me. I feel silly because it's only been a few days since I last saw you, but I can't help but wish that you were here to tell me that you love me, to kiss me goodnight, and to hold my hand when I'm walking or watching TV. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but this absence is driving me crazy. I want to hear your voice, see your face, make you smile... I'm going to attempt to sleep yet again, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you. Oh yeah, and I've been sleepin wit da woman. :-P

2002-11-08T17:07:00.000-05:00

Owwww!!! I'm in pain!!! And I'm stuck in this house all alone... And I'm hungry and I don't have any food - don't want to steal other people's food cuz I know they're pretty possessive of their shiznit. And I'm tired... I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP!!!

2002-10-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

I got to hang out with my friend Jim today, and it was really great. I'm SO happy for him because he seems like he's... well, happy... which is really out of character for him. He's a total pessimist, which is why I think he kinda sticks with me, cuz I'm such an optimist. But he was really hurt that this is the first time I've seen him since I've been back... and I feel horrible about it. I'm such a bad friend! And my friend Paul had a birthday party and I guess he really, really wanted me to go and I didn't... and he was really sad... Sorry Piz!!! Seriously dawg, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I really didn't know that those guys cared if I was there or not. I mean, I know they like hanging out, but I never would've thought it would hurt someone's feelings if I missed something... it makes me feel bad, but really really good at the same time. It's good to know people care...

Sometimes it's really hard to share you. I know that I get most of your time, and you'll always come home to me, and that I can't nor would I want to tell you what to do... but I know that you understand when I say that I wish that it was just you and me and I didn't have to think about your past or anything like that... I couldn't ask for anything more - you're too good to me as it is... but sometimes I just don't want to share. I know it's selfish, but I want you all to myself. It's just hard to think that you're not really all mine...

I swear, I am NEVER gonna get to see Saves the Day! Dude, if I hadn't been so cheap I coulda gotten tickets earlier, but NO... I had to wait and now they're all sold out. Fuck! I really want to see them!!! Grrrrrr!!!!!!!

2002-10-22T18:24:00.000-04:00

So since I'm finally pretty much settled back in here in SD, I think I should start up my blog again... I don't really have all that much to say, but then again, I never had much to say before either...

Sometimes I feel so completely alone even though I'm so far from being lonely. Does this happen to everyone? Or just me? Like sometimes I just want to cry because I feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody loves me even though that is sooooooo not reality. I feel like such a burden sometimes, and I feel like I don't do anything for myself... like I rely on other people for everything. Feeling burdenous goes hand in hand with feeling worthless, I think... I don't feel worthless right now, per se... but you know, sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm really happy when I'm home alone because I get to turn up the music really really loud and sing like a crazy lady... yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. :-D Sometimes I really wish that I had a desk, because typing on a keyboard that's on the floor or on your lap really starts to wear down your wrists and fingers after awhile. I hope to get one soon, but who knows? Sometimes, like RIGHT NOW, I really, really, really miss my mom :-( I wish she could just give me a hug.

So you know what sucks? My mom bought me a new computer with the understanding that I'll pay like $20 a month till it's paid off or whatever, no big deal. So she got this cheap one at Circuit City - it's a good computer, and pretty too... it was $700, but $400 after rebates. Okay, here's the sucky part - I didn't send the proofs of purchase to my mom in time for her to get the rebates! So my fucking retardedness cost an extra $300!!! Grrrr!!! This was awhile ago, but I'm still a little upset about it...

So I have one of those Abercrombie bags that you can cut into a poster, and the girl's face is so big that you can totally pick out every blemish... right now one of her eyes looks SO ugly and completely different from the other eye. Sometimes I'm really glad that I'm not a model, cuz there'd be bitchy girls like me picking me apart constantly. That would suck.

Today in my Eating Disorders class two girls talked to the class about their personal battles with anorexia and bulimia. Not only was it one of the most interesting lectures I've ever attended, but it also really made me think. One of the girls is I think a Marshall 3rd year and lived in the dorms freshman year named Megan. She's really pretty and explained that her family's pretty well off, which explains why she always has cute clothes and stuff like that. I'm always sooooo jealous of people like that. They're cute AND they can afford to have all the cutest outfits and stuff like that. I'm always comparing myself to them and wishing that I could be so lucky. But then today she was telling us about her eating disorder and how it started with her lack of control over her family life. First her mom had a mental breakdown and had to be committed for awhile, and then her sister went like crazy. So Megan went to visit her sister in the mental hospital and her sister said, "You have pretty eyes. My sister had pretty eyes. Did you know that my sister was murdered?" Can you imagine!?! I have a little sister, and if she was all messed up like that it would SO tear me apart. Then her mom was cheating on her dad and her dad had a heart attack and it goes ON and ON... So Megan's story made me realize that I am WAY too judgmental. If a girl is pretty and has cute clothes or a cute car or something like that, I automatically assume that she's a bitch and isn't worth my time. It's because I'm jealous, and I've known this for a long time. I never stopped to think about the fact that people are really really good at pretending to be happy and pretending that life is perfect. Hearing those girls' stories was kind of like an affirmation of my life. I can look at my life and say, "These are the reasons that I am happy," and then I could list off like five bazillion things, and I wouldn't be lying. I really really am a happy person. It's really crazy to me that just two years ago, me writing that I am actually happy seemed like an impossibility. I am so blessed.

Hey Steve - my friend from high school's middle name is Curry... weird, huh? But I don't think he ever got beat up because of it.

I'm tired, but knowing me I will not take a nap. Even though I have nothing better to do, I won't let myself take a nap. Grrrr... Okay, maybe I'll eat instead. Norm and I went shopping last night and I have food!!! Imagine that!

2002-10-11T15:29:00.000-04:00

Awesome quote of the day: "Baby, won't you braid my hair?" - Mario's new song "Braid My Hair" Dumbest song EVER! Dude, I bet the guy with the bike would use this as a pickup line... like, "So uhhhh, where can I get my hair braided around here? I'm new here..."

2002-09-30T15:17:00.000-04:00

So the whole point of a vendor fair is so that the fat kids on campus can have some funnel cake... and there's NO FUNNEL CAKE man on campus today!!! What the heck!?! Seriously, if there were a day in my life that I needed some deep fried fatty goodness, today would be that day. :-(

2002-09-12T19:05:00.000-04:00

I'm finally back in Cali! SO good to be here with my boy... his family is really funny :-P I knew I was gonna be this happy, but it's still kind of a shock... like I almost don't know what to do with myself. I hope this never ends :-)

2002-09-10T02:14:00.000-04:00

Grrr! I feel yucky... I can't believe I got sick TODAY! Of ALL the days in the year, my stupid body had to pick TODAY to get sick! Oh well, at least my babe will be with me in a few hours... that makes me feel five million times better. Plus, he can take care of me :-)

2002-09-08T23:15:00.000-04:00

Ouch ouch ouch!!! I was steaming some broccoli and burned my finger! Aaaahhhhhh!!! I'm in PAIN!!! :-P

2002-09-08T20:36:00.000-04:00

My life is wonderful - let's do a quick list of how I am blessed:
1) I get to see my boy in only TWO days!!! This whole summer apart is going to be worth it as soon as I see his oh so cute smiling face at the airport :-)
2) My grandma is slowly but surely getting better
3) I got to go to a ball and get all dressed up and pretty last night
4) I think we might have a house!!! And if not, I'm not too stressed anymore, cuz at least Norm and the boyz got their house...
5) I got to eat alligator and go on a super cool airboat ride today :-P
6) All of my stuff fit in my suitcases!!!
7) Quitting my job was not as traumatic as I thought it would be
8) I get to see my friends soon!
9) My mom bought me a new computer!
10) I love my family :-)

Okay, so I know there's more, but that's all I can think of right this second.

I miss you

MORE,

and I even have photographic evidence :-P

2002-09-05T03:08:00.000-04:00

I'm writing because I know my blog feels very neglected... but there is just way too much to say for me to write it all down. Not tonight anyway, and prolly not ever since I'm lazy... but tonight I'm tired. Only five days till I go home. Five days till I see my boy. Five days till I can finally rest because I'm no longer anxious and waiting for the time that I can finally be in a familiar place with familiar people. I love my family, and I wish they could come with me, but I'm so happy I'm leaving.

2002-08-30T03:05:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, around 5 or 6, there were two bags of Goldfish in the cupboard. Now, there are zero. I'm intrigued. Where could these Goldfish be? I know that nobody in this house grubs on Goldfish like I do, so I'm almost positive that they're still intact somewhere and not in Scott's belly... but WHERE ARE THEY!?! I NEED me some goldfish!!!

2002-08-29T01:36:00.000-04:00

So wow, technically it's already Thursday, which means only 12 days until I get to go home! Oh my goodness - I'm so freaking excited! My life here in FL has been so completely boring - nothing but work, work, work. I'm so sick of working... it's further reinforced my previous wish to stay in school FOREVER. I don't think there's anything new to talk about really... I finally talked to Leah, who has been MIA for the whole summer, so that was cool - she's a funny girl. She had to have her tonsils out because they've been monster-sized ever since about sophomore year of high school. I wish she coulda just kept them though, because she'd play with them with her tongue (yeah, they were that big - you could see them clear as day when she opened up her mouth) and make the funniest face you've ever seen. Like she's one of the prettiest girls I know, and then she'd make this face that would just ruin her looks for a few seconds - so hilarious. I also finally talked to my sister again - we're pretending like the whole calling each other bitches and me hanging up on her thing didn't happen, which is fine with me.

When I get home, I might get to go up north with Norm, which would be so wonderful. I really want to meet his family and see where he's from, and I want him to do the same. I especially want him to meet my sister since I talk about her so often. So yeah, I really hope I get to go... it's okay if I don't, though - as long as he's at the airport to pick me up when I get back to SD, I don't really care what happens after that.

So I'm going to a ball on September 7 - I'm stoked. My aunt's a Major in the Army, and they're having this formal ball for who know's what, and since I'll still be here, I get to go! So yeah, I bought the prettiest dress ever, and there will be uniforms all over - I think the only thing that could make my boy more perfect would be to put him in a uniform. *sigh* I don't think I would be able to restrain myself from jumping him in front of everyone... Anyway, so that's on a Saturday, and the Friday before is my last day at work - yay! Last day! The ball is in Orlando, and we're getting a hotel room so we can all get plastered and we don't have to drive home - yay! Let's get plastered! hahaha... So then I have all day Sunday and Monday to hang out with my cousins and my grandparents and stuff, and then bright and early (I think something like 6:30am - I wanted the earliest possible flight so I could see my boy as soon as I could) it's off to the airport and then HOME! I think these last days here are gonna be really good - I hope so anyway.

lalala - I really don't have much of anything to say, but I'm wasting time till my boy comes online. The day's just not complete unless I get to talk to him...

I miss you...

2002-08-26T17:30:00.000-04:00

I put up pics in my album of Kyle's football game and of me and Scott goofing around... check out Scott's sour face (in the Yahoo! album) - it's the greatest :-P

2002-08-26T03:29:00.000-04:00

haha - gotcha again babe! That's what you get for being a kunk!

2002-08-25T23:04:00.000-04:00

I can breathe again!

2002-08-23T01:09:00.000-04:00

So work was boring as usual today, but I did get up the nerve to tell my boss I'm leaving in 18 days!!! So yeah, I was anxious to get home cuz, ya know, I was sick of working and all that... so I'm driving home and when I'm on my street I run over this frog that's hopping all over the place - scared the shit out of me. I know it seems silly, but frogs just really freak me out, and I've actually been blessed the whole time I've been here because I've only seen like one or two (and the backyard is a freakin jungle). Anyway, so then I walk through the door when I get home, and a frog leaps over my head (he musta been hanging on the outside of the door) and lands on the floor in front of me... and then, as if a scary frog weren't enough, a MONSTER dragonfly flies in and starts chasing me around the house! Aaaahhhhhh!!! Yucky creatures are out to get me I tell ya! So while I was huddled against the wall on the ground in the pantry, my aunt threw the frog out and tried to shoo the dragonfly out the door... but to no avail. I swear it was out for blood and kept trying to get at me... but then it somehow got between the bookshelf (bookcase... is that a word? You know how sometimes you want to say something, and you think it's a word, but you question yourself and then it starts to sound more and more ridiculous, like "You retard - you actually think that is a word!?!" Oh, that never happens to you... hmmm...) and is now stuck there, beating its monster wings till it dies. I feel bad for it, but at the same time, there's no way in hell I'm moving the bookshelf (bookcase? :-P) so that it can try to attack me again. You wanna know what's funny though? I didn't even realize I was afraid of dragonflies. I probably wasn't until the MONSTER one tried to attack me, and now every dragonfly I see is gonna be it's child looking for revenge. My fears are so irrational, and the fact that I know and can admit that is equally disturbing. For example, this is why I'm afraid of frogs: When I used to live in the trailer park, my mom tried many times (unsuccessfully, thus the many times) to grow a garden. During one of these times, she planted a bunch of tomato plants in our tiny, yucky yard, and it became infested (well, maybe there were like four or five) with frogs. One of them was huge (this time I'm not exaggerating, he really was huge), and EVERY time I walked out onto the front porch, he would hop out of the tomatoes, onto the front walkway, and stare up at me. No matter what I did while on the porch, he would stare, and only when I went back in the house would he hop back into the tomatoes. I AM SERIOUS. He did not do this to anybody else. I became convinced that this frog hated me and wanted me dead, and until all the tomatoes died and the frogs made their homes elsewhere, I refused to step foot onto the front porch. So now I can not handle frogs - I can't touch them or even look at them... their sound doesn't really bother me... unless I allow myself to think too much about it and then I start getting paranoid. So now everyone knows the roots of my fears of frogs and dragonflies... now if I could just figure out why snails scare me so badly, I'd be set :-P

2002-08-22T04:26:00.000-04:00

This is shaping up to be the worst week of my entire life. This is not and overstatement or an exaggeration. I haven't had the easiest life - I've had some pretty bad fuckin weeks. But this one... granted, it's not over yet, so it still has time to redeem itself, but with my luck going the way it has, I really don't think that's gonna happen. It all started on Saturday, when I found out the bad news about my grandma. Then my sister's ex-boyfriend called me and told me he was gonna kill himself, but he loved me, goodbye. So I had to call the cops and worry all night long till my mom talked to him the next day. Also, Saturday was the worst day that I've had at work so far - I seriously wanted to shoot someone in the head, and that manifested itself in the form of me almost having a nervous breakdown in front of a whole slough of customers. Anyway, so on Sunday I went to visit my grandma, and that was hard. Just about the hardest thing that I've had to deal with in a long, long time. She's not like a "grandma" grandma that just sits and watches TV and knits, or whatever other people's grandmas do. She's fun and adventurous and wonderful... and to see her just lying on the hospital bed, with so many tubes going in and coming out of her, while we wore protective gloves and gowns... well, you can imagine that I was crying a river. I talked to her and told her that she has to get better because she has to be at my wedding. I can't decide if that's selfish or not, but I don't care - my grandma has to see me get married. I'm crying now just thinking about it. Anyway, so I went to church after that and cried some more. But apparently it was just what I needed. I talked to God a little bit, and he told me that everything's gonna be okay... I was still worried when I got home, but when I woke up on Monday morning, I wasn't worried at all. And I'm still not. I know my grandma's gonna be fine - the only thing I'm concerned about is when she's gonna be okay. She needs to get better now so that I can spend time with her before I leave. Oh well, I should count my blessings - she's gonna be okay, and that's what's really important... a timeframe is rather secondary to that. I'm the only one who's optimistic, but that's alright - my faith is enough... everybody else is just being realistic. Okay, so I'm gonna continue bitching... On Monday, I thought I was supposed to work from 5-9, but turns out I looked at last week's schedule instead of this week's, and this week I was supposed to work 1-8. So I got a call at 3:30 from my manager, and she's like, "Uh, where are you?" So I confidently reply, "Uh, I'm at home. (Where you called me...) I'm not supposed to work till 5." Then she explained that I was retarded and I was in fact almost three hours late to work. So yeah, at least I didn't get in trouble, BUT Mondays mean that I have to work with Jessi. I can not explain the painfully annoying experience that is working with her. First of all, she DOES NOT shut up. Second of all, she INTERRUPTS, which is something that I HATE. Third, she is retarded. Fourth, blah blah blah non-conformist blah blah blah. She's way too fucking concerned about what other people think to consider herself a non-conformist. Okay, she bitches about "preppies" like they're horrible people because they're starting to dress the way she dresses (no, they're not though...) so she can't dress like that anymore because people will think she's a conformist. Then, she orders stuff from Delias and Alloy. Ummm, are those not two of the most popular teen clothing catalogs? But in the immortal words of Erick, "She tries so hard to be different and to look different... but I don't think she looks different. I think she looks like every other lesbian." hahahaha - the best part about that is that it's SO true! Fifth, if I have to hear ONE MORE TIME about how she's a born-again Christian who's saving herself for marriage, but she thinks that once she has sex she'll be really freaky and she's gonna get her nipples pierced, then I think DEATH WILL ENSUE. Sixth, I have no respect for someone who bitches nonstop about the music they play at work. It's mostly pop rock kinda stuff, like NSync, BSB, and Britney type stuff, which I personally think is fun and it makes work go by a little bit faster. Okay, but I don't dislike her just because she doesn't like music that I like. I think she's retarded, is basically what it comes down to. She bitches about how all those groups are sellouts, too popular for her tastes, not "punk" enough, unoriginal, blah blah blah. But THEN, she goes off about how much she LOVES Alien Ant Farm. Hmmm, I hate Alien Ant Farm, and I'll tell you why. Groups like NSync and Britney Spears are clearly just talented frontmen. Somebody else writes and plays most of their music, does their choreography, picks out their clothes, and basically tells them what to do and when and where to do it. If they put up no false pretenses about who they are (or who they are not), then more power to them. BUT, AAF is a punk band. Punk bands are NOT supposed to get famous off of other people's music - that's one of the things that makes that genre of music so great... the fact that you know that the music is original, and most of the time it brings out a passion in the performers that I truly envy. So screw AAF for getting famous off of Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal." I have no respect for that. So I explained this all to Jessi and told her that if she was gonna LOVE AAF, then she might as well be listening to NSync or BSB, and geez, you woulda thought I burned a cross or something - she looked at me like I was the most blasphemous person in the world. Ummm, I really didn't intend to go off about Jessi for that long - it bothers me that someone so petty and obviously lost can consume so much of my energy. Okay, so where was I? Right, Monday was crappy cuz I had to work with Jessi. Then I had to go and say stuff that could've waited, adding sooooo much extra, unnecessary stress. Oh, and somewhere in there I forgot to say (I think on Sunday) that Ruby, Diana, Kevin and I didn't get the apartment that we wanted, so we're still homeless for the time being. Oh yeah, I'm staying in SD! Okay, so Tuesday... I went to see my grandma by myself, and even though I know she's going to be fine, it still kills me to see her like that. This time they made me wear a mask as well as a gown and gloves. That was hard... even though I know she's gonna be fine (like how I keep emphasizing that? I really do believe it!), seeing her like that makes me cry. She deserves better than to have to lie unconscious amidst a sea of tubes and monitors... And I know that I'm being redundant, but this is how I feel... these are the things that just keep running through my mind... that it's not fair, and that it's hard, and aw crap I'm gonna cry again. Okay, so then work today was so freakin long... I was in agony all day because I was hungry and I really wanted to talk to my boy. I've been rambling for so long that my fingers are tired... or maybe it's just that it's 4:30am and my whole body is tired...

2002-08-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

My stomach hurts, my mouth is dry, my heart is racing... all because I haven't talked to my boy yet. He needs to come home and talk to me so that I know...

2002-08-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

So I'm thinking seriously about staying in San Diego and not going to South Africa. My reasoning? I think that when it comes down to it, I want to be in SD more than I want to be in S. Africa. Seems pretty simple... But I have all these doubts about whether that's what I'm gonna want later, or if that's what I want right now. I've been praying about it a lot, and I realized that if I was gonna stay, then I needed to find a more permanent living situation than Helen and Annie's couch. So then I was talking to Diana, and she said that they'd like to have another roommate... how perfect is that!?! So I talked to Ruby tonight, and she found a place in Clairemont that's 4 bd/ 2 bath for only $1700/mo. I'm not sure, but I think that I'm supposed to take that as my sign that I'm supposed to stay... I'm gonna talk to my mom and e-mail my EAP counselor tomorrow and see what they have to say, but pretty much my mind's made up that I'm staying. My grandpa's gonna be so happy. The thing that I'm most disappointed about is not actually going to and living in S. Africa, but just being able to tell people that I'm going to and have lived in S. Africa. So I think that's also a sign that I probably shouldn't go. It's a big decision, but I'm an "adult," supposedly capable of these sorts of things...

Anyone who prays, please pray for my grandma. The doctors diagnosed her tonight with Acute Respiratory Distress Failure, which means that the lining of her lungs has hardened and isn't absorbing oxygen the way that it's supposed to. There's nothing they can do for her except wait and see if her body fixes herself. I'm trying to keep the faith that she'll be alright, but the doctor told a nurse that he didn't think she'd make it. This is really, really hard for me to comprehend, but I can't imagine what it must be like for my grandpa, not to mention my mom and my aunt. So I'm gonna go see her tomorrow, and then I'm gonna go to church... since there's nothing I can do but believe that she's gonna be okay, that's what I'm gonna try to do.

Babe, thank you so much for making me feel better - you really don't understand how much you helped me tonight. You are wonderful, and I'm so lucky to have you. I miss you with all my heart, and my only smile of the day is for you. :-)

2002-08-16T01:06:00.000-04:00

So yeah, I haven't written a real blog in awhile now, mostly because during the small amount of time that I do get to be online each day, I'm talking to my boy. But he's not home right now, which leaves me time to write about all the bizarre and interesting occurrences that make up the crazy existence known as My Life.

My grandma has been in ICU since Sunday night. The doctors STILL don't really know what's wrong with her, and thus have not prescribed any sort of real treatment... this means that she hasn't gotten any better since she's been there. In fact, she's gotten worse... They put her on a respirator today, when before she was just on a machine that helped her breathe through a mask. Since they know she'll fight to pull out the respirator tube (she's totally feisty - I love my grandma), she's unconscious most of the time. My grandpa's a nervous wreck - he's practically living in the ICU waiting room... I'm worried sick, but I'm trying not to let my fears consume me and take over my days. I KNOW that my grandma's not gonna die - she's only 65, and way too awesome for that... I have faith that she'll be alright, but I just wish it were sooner rather than later. So yeah, that's the main reason why I've been sad lately. That, and Sarah's not my friend anymore (apparently I'm not worth her time) and my sister's really mean. But yeah, I'm trying not to think about that stuff...

For those of you who haven't seen the movie Signs, GO SEE IT NOW! Or at least, go see it if you want to get the shit scared out of you... I saw it on Saturday, and I'm still having trouble looking out the window at night for fear that a big, ugly alien will be staring right back at me. Seriously, there were numerous parts of the movie where I actually screamed out loud (embarrassing, but sometimes I just gotta be girly), and the rest of the movie was spent with my hands over my mouth in fright. It starts out a little slow, but TRUST ME, it gets better. Plus, parts of it are funny, and it's interesting that most of the movie takes place in one house, but it's not really a problem. Kind of like Gosford Park... okay, maybe not like that since I haven't seen it, but whatever...

So the weirdest people come in to JCP and talk to me like they've known me for years - it's totally bizarre. I don't reveal to them that I'm a Psych major - they just KNOW. I swear, I've heard so many life stories that I've lost count. Yesterday there was an 83-year-old tacky cowboy (he had a bolo tie AND fifty gold chains on) who told me about his wife and how she died in '86, and how they have 8 kids, but it woulda been 9 if she hadn't miscarried on account of the Red Measles... Then he started babbling about how he'd really like to get remarried someday... I don't mean to sound uncompassionate, but why would he tell me these things? Would you ever tell a stranger, a complete stranger, that your wife miscarried? Apparently JCP employees are privy to this info, cuz a lady told Erick the other day about how she had like four miscarriages... Anyway, today was even better. This Belgian guy came in and asked me if we had any "double-layer coats." Exactly what those are, I'm not sure, and neither was he... but I showed him our coats and explained to him that "This is Florida, so the need for 'double-layered anything' isn't too great..." So after he gave up on finding The Coat, he totally started hitting on me. I swear, I'm way too nice, cuz I just stood there while he blabbed on and on about how he wants a girlfriend, and how he's lonely... He said he was 23, but he looked more like 30-35... He seemed like a nice guy, not cute AT ALL, but nice enough, so I let him keep talking... didn't wanna be rude... So then he says (the first indication that he was crazy), "I feel like I know you very well, so I can tell you these things..." And then he proceeded to tell me why he's in Florida. Okay, so get this: Apparently, he was seeing this Puerto Rican girl up in New York (where he's been living for the past 4 years). She moved to Florida and was working at Disney World... he kept e-mailing her, but uh-oh! No response! According to him, this meant that her e-mail must be broken, or she hadn't been able to get to a computer (at this point, the guy can still be considered just clueless). So then he (I'm sure with some straight-up stalker action) acquires her address and phone number in FL. He calls her, and she's not home... SO THEN, instead of just CALLING BACK, which is what a normal person would do... HE COMES TO FLORIDA TO SEE HER. Yep, that's right folks - this guy is psycho. According to him, it's just his luck that the day before he went to Disney World to see his True Love, she left for Puerto Rico on a Habitat for Humanity type trip... Ummm, I got news for him - she saw him coming, turned around and ran as fast as she could, stopping only to tell a friend to feed him this lie about Puerto Rico. Okay, so we've established that he is crazy, but it gets better for me... Psycho Boy asks me out! First he asks how late I'm working, then my schedule for the whole week, then what time I'm having lunch... After turning him down politely, very politely, many, many times, I was like, "Dude, I have a boyfriend." At that point, he looked like he was gonna cry, and then asked where he could buy some good dried fruit and nuts... Uhhhh... Okay... So to wrap this up, if you're crazy, and you're in Florida, come to JCPenney in Merritt Island and talk to me... the Young Men's dept seems to be a Mecca for you people...

Okay, so for those of you who hadn't heard, I'm coming back to SD on September 9th. That's only 25 days away! Holy crap... that's only three and a half weeks! It's all downhill from here! I'm so excited... I wish I could take my family with me, but other than that, I will not miss this place one single bit.

2002-08-14T01:09:00.000-04:00

I'm still sad, but I'm doing better - at least I'm not crying anymore. Crying sucks - it's totally messy and makes you all ugly, with pink puffy eyes and a raw nose... yuck! I hope I never cry again!

Anyway, okay Rico and J-Lo, who I take to be Norm and Annie (perhaps Helen?) - fine! Just be like five million times more dateable than I am! It's okay, it's okay... I'm not gonna let this get me down!

2002-08-12T23:24:00.000-04:00

I am sad.

2002-08-11T23:15:00.000-04:00

Okay, SAD!!! I just took the "Are You Dateable" quiz on thespark.com and it says that I'm only 59% dateable! That means that 89% of the world's population is more dateable than I am!!! Sorry babe... if you're having second thoughts now, I totally understand :-P

hahaha - btw, my new buddy icon is freakin hilarious! Goodness I'm funny :-D

2002-08-11T23:09:00.000-04:00

Church was so wonderful tonight... FINALLY I found a Lifeteen parish, and while it didn't even compare to St. John's, it was so much better than the non-Lifeteen masses. My boy said he's gonna start going to church again, which is so great... I'm not one to tell people that they should or should not go to church - you should do what feels right for you, I think. But now I'll have someone to go with, and it'll actually be the person that I want to be there with anyway :-) So yeah, on the way home from church I saw, no joke, the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen in my entire life. Now, I thought I'd seen some beautiful sunsets in my day - I love when the sun goes down in SD, and sometimes the colors are amazing in NorCal... I've seen the sun going down on the Caribbean off the coast of the Bahamas, and I thought that I'd seen some pretty sunsets in Florida... But this one was amazing. And the only way that I could explain it is that is was obviously a gift from God. So thanks God :-D That was great. I feel like it was an answer to my prayers, ya know? Like I was asking if things were gonna be okay, and if things would turn out right, and that was his response... Sometimes I really love my life.

I don't have to work until 5 tomorrow!!!

So I'm totally classy, as is proven by my chosen literature. I will enlighten you all with a few excerpts from my classic book of choice "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love."
---"There are certain words and/or gestures that are the same in any language -- Mayday, visa, exit, okay, grabbing your throat to tell the world you are choking. You can no doubt think of other examples. Well, blowjobs are that way -- timeless, universal, always desired and appreciated. Everybody wants a blowjob all the time... Yes, indeed. Blow jobs make the world go 'round, just in case you still thought it was love. Everything that happens, good or bad, in the entire world, can ultimately be traced back to a blow job, either given or withheld."
---"One clever mom had discovered how to avoid the sticky mess that always occurred when she gave her children ice cream. She swore that they were just as happy with an empty cone! I recall thinking those must be some serious dumbass kids if they couldn't tell the difference between ice cream and no ice cream."
--Talking about vibrators: "It was touted as a cure-all for headaches, asthma, 'fading beauty,' and tuberculosis. We would like to offer our personal testimony as to the efficacy of these happy little machines: Our headaches are gone, our asthma cleared up, our beauty actually needs to fade a bit to make it safer for us to go out in public, and not one of the Queens has ever had TB. We must say, those vibrator manufacturers are some creative little buggers."
---"We had never even heard of a butt-plug, and here we were, faced with an entire butt-plug department in a retail establishment."
---"So she shrieks across the bank, 'Beester! If you don't get down from there and get over here right now (Beester's an out of control four-year-old, just so ya know), I am gonna blister your bottom!' To which Beester retorts, at the top of his little lungs from his highly visible vantage point atop the officer's desk, 'No, you won't neither! 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna tell Meemaw that I saw you put your mouth on Daddy's weenie!' Talk about your slam-dunk. Doesn't this kid have leverage forever? I'm talking bulletproof for life."
--And for my babe: "Under the brilliant beam of the streetlight stood... a nekkid man. Now, I say nekkid because that's what he was. There's a profound difference between naked and nekkid. Naked is proud, noble, graceful, without shame or the need for it. Nekkid is, on the other hand... well, it's nekkid."

So just a little tidbit of how classy I am and how classy my reading choices are... but I'm lovin this book - so freakin funny :-P Ya know what else is funny? That the two things discussed in this blog are church and the book I'm reading, which consists mainly of blow job and other sex jokes... haha :-D Good thing God has a sense of humor...

2002-08-11T15:36:00.000-04:00

Note to self: Smokers, or ex-smokers in my case, do not make very good runners. God, how did I ever do it in high school... no, I take that back - it was way different back then. I ran every day and only smoked like one per day (during second period in the park... ahhhh, I barely ever went to school senior year. Leah and I practically lived on her tailgate in the park or downtown... no wonder I'm such a slacker now - I totally got away with it back then, I mean, look at the school I go to now - if I could never go to school and get into UCSD, just imagine what I could've done if I'd gone to class!). Ugh, I smell - this stench totally reminds me of the hot, sweaty, nasty smell of the wrestling room on Red Flag days... I wish Coach Keith were here to make me do Indian Runs till I drop... or Dave, for that matter - he was so hardcore... I hated it when he was in charge of Red Flag days, but afterwards I always felt sooooo good, like I was the healthiest, most in shape girl in the whole school. Yeah, I wish I could feel like that again. For now, though, I think I'll just take a shower...

By the way, thanks for your My So-Called Life sympathies and info Leigh! Good to know somebody else misses them some quality television. Which reminds me, Steve found me a Shirt Tales website (never occurred to me to look myself...) last night - so tight! I thought I was the only one in the world who remembered that show!

2002-08-10T22:46:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Erin on successfully burning a CD... finally!!!

Does anyone else miss My So-Called Life? Cuz I really do... Jordan Cantalano, Brian Krakow, Angela (haha, I forget the main character's last name), Rayanne (okay, forgot her last name too...)... those kids were like part of my life in jr high. Remember when Jordan Cantalano (can anyone else not just call him Jordan? It reminds me of how I still call Paul "Paul Giffen" even though we dated for a month or so) wrote the poem "Red" and Angela thought it was about her, but it was really about his car? And remember when Rayanne had sex with him!?! Bitch! And poor Brian was eternally in love with Angela... and remember when Rayanne OD'd on Ecstasy? That was forever ago, when E was still in its infancy (actually, I have no clue... not very educated when it comes to stuff like that). But yeah, those were some good times, good times... I wish they'd bring back the FOX show Get Real too - that show was tight. I'm prolly the only one who even remembers it, but whatever, it was good.

2002-08-10T22:08:00.000-04:00

I would do just about anything right now to feel your touch, to kiss your lips. I miss you so much it hurts, and sometimes it's just not possible to have a positive attitude about how much time is left till I see you again.

2002-08-08T07:50:00.000-04:00

Ouch, ouch, ouch!!! I woke up an hour or so ago with the worst stomach ache ever... it's not like the nauseated kind of stomach ache, but the real "feels like someone's holding a demolition derby in my tummy" kind of PAIN :-(

So I know this is random, but I was thinking... who was the first person to decide that "cheese" was the best thing to say when getting your picture taken? Who was this very strange ringleader? And why did people follow his lead? And how did that expand to the entire picture-taking world saying "cheese"? Well, maybe not the whole world... maybe just America... I don't think they go, "Diga 'queso'!" in Spanish-speaking countries... Anyway, I think the first person was probably a lot like JB... he's always talkin about cheese :-P

I bought a book yesterday called The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love: A Fallen Southern Belle's Look at Love, Life, Men, Marriage, and Being Prepared. So far it's really cute, so if anyone's lookin for a book, I'd recommend it... well actually, it's probably not a guy's kind of book at all... very girly...

I swear, people are so bizarre... this girl and her boyfriend came into JCP yesterday and she was trying to get him to look at a bunch of stuff and try on stuff, but he was obviously not wantin to be there. So finally she got mad at him and was like, "Fine. Let's just go." Then she throws me this super bitchy "I want you to die" look and says, "They don't have anything good here anyway." Ummmm, wtf? First of all, why take your frustration out on me? Secondly, like I care that you don't think we have anything good? I didn't pick it out... doesn't hurt my feelings if you don't like it - I get paid whether you buy anything or not. And lastly, she was trying to get him to try on practically everything in the dept, so how is it that all of a sudden nothing's good enough for her? Like I said, sooooo bizarre... Oh, and these little kids (they looked about 11 or 12) got into a fight in my dept yesterday... they came running full speed through all the clothes, knocking tons of stuff over as they went, and I thought they were just chasing each other for fun. Then one of them tackled the other into a display of Jansport bags and was like, "You wanna fight bitch?!? Huh!?!" And there was pushing that commenced and stuff, but seriously, these kids were WAY too young to be fighting like that... My response? "Hey! I don't care if you guys fight, but could you not do it in my dept? I have to clean up your mess, ya know." So they left and became someone else's problem - I was gonna call Pierre, the security guard, but couldn't figure out his extension #, so I just gave up...

My mom gave me money to buy new shoes! And my grandma slipped me $100 yesterday and told me it was for back to school shopping! My grandma's awesome - she always knows when I'm feelin neglected :-P Oh, and my next day off is Saturday, so my grandma, mom, aunt, and I are gonna go have Japanese for lunch and then go out to a movie - I'm totally stoked... Yummmm... sushi... I'm sure it won't compare to Todashi, considering I'm like the only Asian person in the state of Florida, and I'm only half an Asian person... but whatever, I'm missing me some sushi!

2002-08-08T00:30:00.000-04:00

JCPenney is my life, which is really upsetting... I'm so (I feel that the adverb "so" doesn't do justice to just how happy I am) happy that I'm not planning a career in retail. Wow, that would lick ass if I were doomed to work at JCPenney for the rest of my life.

"I smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly."

"I think that bike shorts are the greatest invention ever." -- Jessi, the "punk/non-conformist" girl I work with... and she was totally serious when she said it. She actually, truly, in reality loves bike shorts. Ummmm, WTF!?! I swear the weirdest people in the world live in this town! Oh, so funny story about Jessi - her, me, and this girl Victoria were talking about Erick yesterday. Victoria said she thought Erick might be gay, and Jessi just about freaked out saying that there was no way he's gay, cuz if he were, then she would know. When Victoria and I asked why Jessi thinks her "gay-dar" is so keen, she proceeded to explain that many of the guys that she's dated have later turned out to be gay :-P Okay, okay... let me stop laughing... Okay, now then - if you have super sensitive powers that let you know exactly when a guy is gay, then why the hell would you date a guy who you knew would turn out to be gay? Also, can I just say that that is soooooo SAD!!! If numerous (or, ummm, ONE!) guys that I dated later turned out to not be attracted to the female gender... I might feel just a big responsible. I know that's not the way it works, but still... how embarrassing is that? I sooooo would not tell people, especially people I didn't know very well, that I basically turn guys gay. But I guess that's just one more difference between me and Jessi. Hmmm, so is Erick gay? I don't think so... he wears his clothes really tight, but he is in the Air Force, and I think they do that there... also, he's not really effeminate at all, so that gay stereotype doesn't apply. We haven't talked about girls/guys, so I don't know about that... He's the only person I look forward to seeing at work, though. Sucks though cuz he's only part time, so he's not there nearly as much as I am. He's a cool guy - moved to Miami from Nicaragua when he was younger, so he still has a bit of an accent... he's totally funny - if I were going to be here longer, I think I might become pretty good friends with him. But oh well, it's cool just goofing off with him at work... I'd so much rather be back in SD with my boy, though...

So has everyone downloaded John Mayer at my request? I hope so... if not, DO IT NOW! YOU WON'T REGRET IT!!!

My cousin Kyle is the cutest thing ever - he just started playing Pop Warner football last week. He got his pads on Saturday, and since has only taken them off to go to SeaWorld and to sleep... and I'm sure if my aunt would let him sleep in them, he'd totally be down. He gets down into a three point stance in the living room and then rams into the couch :-P Sooooo, silly - he's wonderful to watch after work, cuz he makes me forget all about how much my feet hurt and how I don't wanna go to work the next day, cuz all I can do is laugh. Last night, after one of his numerous tackles with the couch, he fell onto his back and couldn't get up cuz his shoulderpads were too heavy - funniest thing I've seen in a long time...

So I just made a photo album on Yahoo! so everyone can see pics of my super fun time at Sea World... and there are a few of Kyle in his pads, so you can see how freakin cute he is. Erin's Pics! So visit this link if you're bored... I'll put up pics of my trip cross country as soon as I get them developed :-P I'm a slacker...

I get the funniest things in my inbox from porn sites and other people trying to make money... for example, I got one from Debbi today, and the subject was, "And his balls were in my mouth!" HAHAHA!!! I was really happy she decided to share that piece of info :-P

I had a good talk with Steve last night... I miss that guy. He was giving me very objective advice about whether I should go to South Africa... It's totally up in the air right now... I've decided to not stress about it right now, cuz I know everything will work out for the best in the end. Anyway, thanks Steve - talking to you is always a pleasure :-)

Babe, I miss you - KUNK! Goin to the circus without me!?! Yep, that's a kunk move fo sho... j/k, but I am super jealous. I don't get to talk to you nearly enough, it seems like... But you're always in my thoughts... always in my dreams...

2002-08-06T11:02:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have absolutely no time at all to do anything I want to do anymore... I'm constantly working and it freaking blows, cuz I'm not even making a lot of money. I've been meaning to write a big old blog, but I just have no time. Like now, for example, I have to take a shower, eat something, then go to work cuz I'm scheduled from 12-9... UGH!!! This is gonna be a shitty, shitty, shitty day... the only thing that keeps me going is thinking about my boy and how wonderful it will be to see him in a month.

2002-08-05T01:35:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm such a computer genius - I totally figured out how to add a guestbook to my blog (and I know nothing about html, remember). I'm proud... now who's gonna be the first to sign??? (I was gonna do it, but didn't wanna seem like a loser - hahaha :P)

2002-08-04T23:27:00.000-04:00

So do you think animals in captivity are ever like, "Dude, I'd like to take a shit now - could you stop staring at me for two seconds while I take care of bizness?"

Birds are the weirdest animals. In flight they're so beautiful - totally graceful and free... But have you ever watched one walking? They're so freakin awkward - with their wings tucked to their sides they look extremely off balance and just plain weird. That's why I feel sorry for birds that can't fly, like chickens and penguins, because they're always awkward-looking (no offense babe, this is an honest to goodness observation I had at SeaWorld today...).

I'm too tired to write more, but tomorrow I'll elaborate on my wonderful, wonderful day at SeaWorld... For now, I'm gonna sleep (for as long as I want - I don't have work till five tomorrow!!!) and dream about my boy (with his shirt off :D Yummy!).

2002-08-04T01:20:00.000-04:00

I was talking to Ashlee, and then some freaky shit went down... still trying to get ahold of her again... and worrying...

2002-08-03T01:29:00.000-04:00

Every time I've gone to the bathroom today, I've forgotten to zip my fly... luckily nobody noticed (or actually, maybe that's not too lucky, cuz what if they did notice and just didn't say anything? Cuz one time it was down for a LONG ass time... so what if like ALL the customers just didn't want to say anything? Yikes... that's embarrassing...) So I was just noticing that "zip my fly" doesn't seem like a phrase that would be attributed to a girl. "Fly" is much more of a guy's word...

Dude, I'm so retarded - I forgot to pick up my paycheck today! Who does that!?! So now I have to wake up early tomorrow morning so that I can go pick it up and then cash it... Wells Fargo doesn't have branches out here, so looks like I can't deposit my check - I'll just have to cash it and then figure out where to go from there. So tomorrow I'm gonna pick up my army boots, send Ashlee a birthday card and some moola, buy the stuff for myself and my bro that I have on hold at JCP, then go to work... 12:30-9 again in the Jrs. dept. Shitty.

HOLY SHIT, MY FEET HURT!!! I'm actually limping! I know, I know - boo hoo. But still, this is my blog and if I want to constantly bitch about the same things, that's what I'm gonna do. My back hurts too... not the whole thing, just this one area in the middle on the left side.

2002-08-02T02:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, so let me talk a little bit about the most twisted movie I've ever seen - it's a movie with Matthew Lillard called The Curve. It's like a super fucked up Dead Man on Campus... My mouth was literally agape (haha - that's a funny word to say...) at numerous parts during the movie, and I didn't even see the whole thing. I've never seen Matthew Lillard play a not sick part, and Shaggy on Scooby Doo doesn't count... not sure why, but it just doesn't or else I wouldn't be able to make that point... But yeah, to think that there are people like that in the world really upsets me. And sure, it's not a true story, but somebody had to think of it... somebody actually came up with that sick and sadistic script. And then a bunch of other sick people said, "Hey! This looks really good - we should totally make this movie!" And then the actors all said, "Sweet! This is such a good idea for a movie... I'm so proud to be working on this project." And then sick people like me actually sit through the whole movie in order to completely absorb how fucked up it really is... cuz you don't know just what I'm talking about till the very end. So yeah, faith in the world was lost for the hour that I sat in front of the TV and watched The Curve...

So coolest thing ever - I was talking to Nikki, this girl that I work with, and she was saying something about her fraternity. My first instinct was to correct her in my mind and assume that she meant sorority, but then I realized that I'm retarded and I HATE it when people say, "Oh, don't you mean sorority?" As if I don't know what kind of group I belong to??? Anyway, so then I asked her what fraternity she's in, and she said, "Oh, it's called Alpha Phi Omega." And then it was over - I was so freaking excited... we're brothers! How freaking cool is that!?! Yeah, I think it's so awesome... and we were talking about our bigs and how we're both twins, and I told her she has to go to Nationals... it's a small world. I mean, I think Nikki (she goes to Florida State University - the Iota Rho chapter... I checked out their website, cuz i'm a dork, and dude - no wonder Rho Pi wins awards for our website... this one was totally shitty - propz Eddie and Daryl), me, and one other girl are in college - all the rest of the girls who work at JCPenney are in high school. So what are the odds that we'd belong to the same fraternity? I don't know, maybe they're not that slim, since APO is international and all, but I still think it's super cool. I forgot to ask her how their families work in her chapter, but if perchance she's an Omega, then that would just be the icing on the cake. It's funny, though, because I wasn't too impressed with her before that. I mean, I thought she was nice and cool and all, but I didn't think, "Now there's a girl I would totally be friends with outside of work." But as soon as she said she was a member of APO, I totally thought she was five million times cooler.

I'm going to Sea World on Sunday! Very exciting...

My brother's birthday is on the 10th, and I picked out a tight outfit for him at JCP... I'm paying way too much, even with my discount, but he deserves it. Well, kind of... I also want to buy him some sort of charm or medallion that has protection qualities - like a Saint Christopher medallion or something like that. I'm so worried about him all the time - he does not need to be putting himself constantly in danger the way that he does. He's a firefighter for the Mendocino National Forest during the summer - I think this is his third summer doing it. Anyway, his company has eight guys and two engines... Really early Sunday morning, five out of the eight guys were in an engine and it rolled down the side of a mountain. Only two of the guys lived... I try not to think about how dangerous my brother's job is, but when stuff like that happens it's hard not to... I went to church so that I could pray for the boys who died and to ask God to continue protecting my brother. He's had so many close calls, and I choose to attribute them not to luck, but to the Grace of God. I hate it that Ian and I aren't close anymore. It makes me soooooo sad that I can't talk to him anymore. But I still love him with all my heart - he's such a wonderful person. I can't believe he's gonna be 22 in a week or so... I remember when we were really little and we used to go to work with my dad. He owned a company that made cat furniture (I think he was the only employee...), so Ian and I would go to his workshop and play with the air compressor and wood scraps and stuff like that. Sometimes we'd spend the night in our van outside the shop, and in the morning we'd walk over and get donuts and chocolate milk. Yeah, me and my bro - we used to be best friends... now he doesn't really have time for me, which hurts, but it's okay... I just miss him. And I wish school would start so he'd stop fighting fires...

I'm so jealous of all the kids going to Club Rubber tonight... they better have twice the fun so that they can project some of that "good time" energy on me the next time I talk to them - God knows I need it.

Okay, sad! Did you know that the Alpha chapter of APO at Lafayette College is inactive? I'm sure Mr. Frank Reed Horton would be terribly disappointed! I hope we didn't learn that during our pledge period or anything... if so, sorry Steve :P

2002-08-01T03:16:00.000-04:00

I get paid Friday! Finally I'll be able to reap some of the fruits of my labor! Well actually, not really... cuz I'm overdrawn a lot on my bank account, so as soon as I deposit the check, a lot of it will go away. Then I have to send Ashlee $60 for the last phone bill (the check I wrote bounced... I'm so irresponsible), and then hopefully there'll be enough leftover for me to buy some new glasses - there's a big sale at JCP right now, and since I get a discount it's only like fifty bucks for a complete pair. Oh, and I put a pair of army boots on hold at the military surplus store - I've wanted a pair for as long as I can remember... I don't know what I'll wear them with, but at the very least I'll wear them around the house and feel super cool. :P

So I know I shouldn't be jealous of my cousins, but I totally am. My grandma took them back to school shopping, and my selfish ass couldn't stop thinking, 'When do I get to go shopping?' I feel bad because nobody owes me anything, and I know that... but this whole paying for everything myself thing totally licks ass. Nobody seems concerned that I don't have any work clothes, and nobody seems very concerned that I haven't seen Stuart Little 2. I just feel like I don't get any attention here, and that kind of upsets me... I'm an attention whore! Plus, it bothers me that nobody recognizes the fact that I'm financially independent. Sure, I might be swimming in an ocean of debt, but I never ask anyone for money. I don't ask for help because I know how much people resent it when they have to help you financially. I got myself into debt and I can take care of it eventually, but nobody in my family even knows how much debt I'm in cuz they don't care. I realize that I'm in college and that I'm an adult... but a little support every once in awhile wouldn't hurt. Actually, I'm doing fine without their money, but what I really, really, really, really want is for my mom and my grandparents to say, "Hey Erin, you're doing a really good job taking care of yourself. Ian and Sooni ask for money all the time and we're constantly having to pay for them - but you're very adult about taking responsibility for yourself." That would be cool, and soooooo easy for them so say! It wouldn't be a problem if they didn't still act like they take care of me... like when I told my mom that I'm going to South Africa, she was like, "Well how are we going to pay for that?" Ummm, WE? WE don't pay for anything. I pay for everything that isn't covered by financial aid. The Expected Family Contribution as determined by the government and UCSD is around $600 a year... I haven't asked for that money from my mom, and I haven't gotten it. AND she ALWAYS lags when it comes to my FAFSA, and acts like it's a big fucking hassle for her to fill out her part. Okay, does she realize that if she doesn't do it, then her part will be a whole hell of a lot greater than $0? Aaaaahhhh!!! Just thinking about it drives me crazy, and I've been wanting to rant about this for a LONG time, which is why I'm rambling now. I'm just really frustrated and overwhelmed by being on my own all of a sudden... and I'm confused as to why nobody seems concerned about me at all. Hey! Remember me? :(

Okay, so John Mayer is the new love of my life. "Comfortable" is my new favorite song - he's totally keepin it real (Matt Bentz style, yo). But once again, I'm missing out by being in FL - he'll be in SD sometime in mid-August, and I would SO be first in line to go... except I'm in this stupid state. Poo on Florida. John Mayer's songs completely apply to situations that I've been in or feelings that I've had, but most of them are kind of sadder or about love, but more after-the-fact... so right now, I can't really quote any lines to show how I'm feeling, cuz I feel wonderful.

So you wanna know a weird and fun fact about me? I can't be in a bathroom with the shower curtain closed unless I'm taking a shower. If I go in there for any other reason, I have to open the shower curtain to make sure that there are no killers hiding in the tub. But okay, ready for the really weird part? I even have to open the curtain if it's see through... like if there were really a person, I'd be able to see him anyway, cuz the curtain's clear. But I have to open it anyway... not sure why, I guess just cuz I'm a freak like that...

My poor, poor feet... I feel that I can't complain enough about them. The tips of my toes are numb... do you think that's bad?

I was watching First Knight, and if you watch in the background during the fight scenes, you can see extras that are totally not convincingly fighting at all... they're very nonchalant about hitting each other - it's really funny.

Only like FIVE WEEKS! till I go back to SD! Only FIVE WEEKS till I get to see my boy! When I think of it in terms of weeks, it really doesn't seem that long to me, so I'm trying to stay positive.

I got my passport today! Horrible picture, but I knew it would be, since you have to get those before you turn in the application. The girl offered to take them over again, but I was in such a hurry that I decided I didn't care... kind of regretting that now... But I'm stoked to have a passport. It makes me feel very worldly, like a real world traveler... granted, I haven't gone anywhere yet, but I COULD, now that I have a PASSPORT :P

Okay, I lied... I'm gonna quote some lyrics, cuz I think that this is one of the best song verses ever:

Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it
---John Mayer, "Your Body Is A Wonderland"

I worry too much... I need to just take a step back and relax.

Hey cute boy - when I get bored at work, I write letters to you on register tape :P By the time I get back to SD, you're gonna have quite a collection of JCPenney receipt papers... But yeah, it'll just be physical proof that I'm thinking about you constantly and that I miss you (more). OMG! I think Bosley's sleeping! I TOTALLY WIN!!! hahaha - poo on you three! I'm about to pass out, but I'll be dreaming about you... maybe we can fight in my dream???

2002-07-30T06:02:00.000-04:00

Blah blah blah blah blah

hahahahahahaha

Rabbits still aren't sleeping... but they know they want to!

Nothing to say, cuz you already know. You know I miss you. You know I think about you always. You know I'm taking things one day at a time, and soon I'll be back in your arms. And I know that's where I belong.

2002-07-29T00:44:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I ever even bother looking on ticketmaster.com - I always just end up getting upset. Saves the Day, Dashboard Confessional, RENT!!! - all things that are playing when I'M NOT THERE! Grrrr! And then there's this freaking awesome street music festival right when I'm hoping to get back, but the first two days are 21+! Again, Grrrrr!!! Norm says I might be able to get in anyway since all of us Asians look alike anyway... true, true... that would be awesome, but then I'd have to ask myself if I really want to spend $70 to go on Friday and Sunday (Saturday's not looking so hot lineup-wise)... Okay, yes, I'd spend that much... check out the Street Scene website if you get a chance: http://www.street-scene.com/lineup.html Warped Tour and Tom Petty are both gonna be in FL, but I don't have anyone to go with :( So I guess I'll just keep on listening to my mp3s... my collection is so sad, by the way, since I had to start over when I got here... so if anyone has any music to suggest, it'd be greatly appreciated.

Soooooo jealous of people who get to go to parties... when I get back to SD I'm gonna drink myself into a week-long stupor to make up for my so sad summer sobriety (that was alliteration, for those who did not recognize the literary device I just employed... Gah, AP English bites me in my dorky ass!)

My aunt's cat let me pet her! Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's a HUGE deal, cuz she NEVER lets ANYONE pet her except for my aunt... I think I can communicate with animals. No, honestly, I really believe this... oh, you didn't know I was a freaking weirdo? Welp, now ya know (and knowing is half the battle).

I work from noon-9:30 tomorrow... my feet are gonna HATE me!

I miss my penguin! (Even if he is delusional about who would win in a fight between penguins and gators...)

2002-07-28T13:25:00.000-04:00

So it looks like maybe my family's not going camping, which is cool. They're talking about just waiting until they can rent a trailer for cheap (cuz my aunt's a big shot in the army, so she gets some major discounts) because my grandma has a bad back and sleeping in a tent isn't seeming very attractive to her. So I probably won't have to be home alone for a week! Yay! Cuz I know that wasn't gonna go very smoothly...

My cousin Scott (the 6-year-old) totally loves Norm - he thinks he's the funniest guy in the whole world. Lately when I talk to Norm on IM, Scott runs over every time he hears the little message sound and goes, "What did he say!?! WHAT DID HE SAY!?!?!?!" until I tell him what we're talking about. Then he proceeds to laugh as if it's the funniest thing he's ever heard in his life - so great. Scott asked what his name was, and when I said Norm, his eyes got really big and he said, "I have a penguin in my zoo named Norm!!" Then he told me that he has two alligators named Erin and Sooni - Sooni's the girl and Erin's the boy... GRRRR! Oh gosh, and then when Norm told Scott that he has guns and knives, it was just over. Now Scott asks me about the guns and stuff... again GRRR! Cuz what am I supposed to tell him? Like I know anything about guns!?! Oh well, he'll forget about it in a few minutes - attention spans of children are infinitesimally short.

This girl that I work with, Jessie, really bothers me. And I'm not the only one, so I don't feel bad - this guy Erick stops talking and walks away whenever she's around, and the old black lady, Margie, talks so much shit about Jessie - it's freaking hilarious. Anyway, when she introduced herself I was reading on my lunch break, so she asked me what I was reading. Later, while we were working, she was asking me who my favorite authors are, so I told her that I really like Kurt Vonnegut and Stephen King. So then she says, "Oh my goodness! I love Stephen King too! I didn't want to read one of his books cuz I don't like to conform - I'm a punk - but once I read one, I was totally hooked!" Okay. I don't understand people like her. If you have to tell people that you don't like to conform and that you're a punk, doesn't that kind of make you a conformist? I mean, if you're saying that you don't want to be like everyone else, but then put yourself into a relatively popular category of people... does anyone else think this girl automatically discredited herself and basically said, "I'm retarded" by labelling herself after claiming she's not down with labels? Then I asked her if she was into the local punk scene here in FL, cuz I miss going to shows so I figured I'd check out some of the local bands. She said she didn't know anything about the local scene... Okay. If you're going to call yourself a punk, then shouldn't you display some, if not all, of the characteristics usually associated with the punk genre? Such as... listening to punk music? And may I add that if you're not down with conforming, then you probably don't want to listen to the more mainstream bands, which is why the independent punk scene is so big... but we've already established that she doesn't listen to local music... so what's up with that? I know I'm rambling about this girl, but wtf? She just pisses me off because not just the first time, but EVERY time she talks to me she talks about how she's not down with conforming and conformists (I think perhaps she just learned a new word and wants to stick it into her vocabulary?) and how she wants to get this pierced and that tattooed (but she hasn't done anything yet... so blah blah blah, keep talkin). Dude! Freaking just be yourself! Quit trying to fit into some category just to impress people, cuz nobody CARES! I like punk music, but I like mainstream pop music too. I read a lot of books that nobody's ever heard of, but I read classics too. Does that make me a "conformist"? Maybe... but I DON'T CARE! Cuz nobody can ever accuse me of being someone I'm not. So I guess the gist of this blurb is that there is always danger in interacting socially with others - most of the people I work with are really cool... but this girl! Grrrr!!! Luckily, we don't usually work in the same area, so I can pretty much avoid her most of the time. Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system... time for lunch. Ranting makes my stomach grumble :P

2002-07-25T22:03:00.000-04:00

My feet hurt... but at least I didn't have to spend the entire day with my boring ass trainer guy... and at least I never have to spend an entire day with him again! So this is shitty - my family's going camping in Key West on Tuesday and they'll be gone till Sunday. I was hoping to have a few days off during that time so I could drive down and spend some time with them there. But of course, I have this Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off, then work the whole rest of the week. That means I'll be home alone for so freaking long! Aaaaahhhh! In a normal world, this would make me happy, and I would throw a party, and my friends would come over, and we would laugh (cuz, you know, that's what friends do)... but in my stupid, stupid world, I will be home all by myself. I will have to sleep in an empty house. Does anyone else realize that I've NEVER done that before? Is anyone else worried that I CAN'T do that? Because I am... I'm really, really worried. I'm worried that I'm gonna freak myself out and get really scared that someone's gonna break into the house and there will be absolutely nobody that I can call to come over and stay with me, or even call to tell them what's going on. I seriously can't be alone... I don't know what I'm gonna do. I wish I knew someone who had a dog, and then I could borrow the dog for awhile... or I wish Lucas and Bosley were attack rabbits... Okay, I'm not gonna think about it till Tuesday...

Instead, I'll just think about my boy. He's wonderful, and if I weren't me, I'd be really jealous of me. I seriously can't believe my luck. Other than the fact that I'm like 3000 miles away from him, he is perfect... He stays awake every night just so he can talk to me online and tell me to have a good day before I go to work in the morning - that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. I know a lot of people say that, like "Wow, that's the sweetest thing ever!" But this is different, because it's not only the sweetest thing, it so far surpasses any other remotely sweet thing that any other guy's ever done for me that I almost cried when he told me he wanted to do it. I feel like crying now... before he came along I used to tell myself that I deserved a really great guy, someone who would treat me like a queen and love me and all that fairy-tale stuff... now that I have the most wonderful guy in the world, I'm not so sure that I deserve him. I think about all the shitty things that I've done in my life and all the things that I really don't like about myself, and I wonder why he would ever even look at me. But then when I wake up at 7:30 in the morning, and I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 or 2 because I was tossing and turning, and I have a fat ass crick in my neck, I go over to the computer, turn it on, and sign onto AIM. And then I see his name. And everything's automatically all better. It doesn't matter to me that I'm tired, or that my neck hurts... all that matters is that he's there. Deep down I know that I deserve to be this happy, but I think on the surface I'm just scared because if I feel this wonderful when I talk to him online every morning, how's it gonna be when I actually get to see him every day? I think I might explode with joy... so I guess that's what I'm really worried about: exploding. You know, spontaneous combustion? I'm gonna have to watch out for that...

2002-07-24T22:44:00.000-04:00

Mushu Park: Tell Steve to keep his hands to himself, cuz you're mine!
PuMpKinEsCoBaR55: yes ma'am
PuMpKinEsCoBaR55: i am

2002-07-22T21:40:00.000-04:00

My first day of work is tomorrow at 9:30 in the morning... I haven't had a full-time job in two years, and the last one was so beyond shitty. After three days of working, I came home and cried to my mom, saying I hated working and I was in sooo much pain and blah blah blah... I don't think this one will be nearly as bad, but I'm still not used to being on my feet for eight hours straight. That's gonna be tough... but all in all, I'm pretty excited. Actual human interaction outside of this house! So anyway, I'm going to bed early tonight... which is something I haven't done in God knows how long. But I think it'll be easy since my cousins woke me up around 9:30 today and shoved a bleeding rabbit in my face... that woke me up pretty effectively, and as a result, I'm already tired enough to go to bed now.

Thinking of you always...

2002-07-22T00:50:00.000-04:00

So I am officially in love with the medieval-looking contraption that peels and cores apples. Now that I've discovered the joys of this invention, I think I could live solely off of apples for a good week or so... I am so freaking weird. I was depressed and pathetic all day, and then I come across the apple machine, and I'm overcome with joy! Yep, I'm retarded...

When I stop to think about it, I realize that I am almost always in control of the remote, and more often than not, I get to watch what I want to watch on TV. Sometimes I feel bad about this and think that I'm being selfish, that maybe other people want to watch stuff too. But today it dawned on me why I'm usually in the controlling position when it comes to program selection - because everyone else in my family sucks at it. I swear, they take freaking forever to choose something - staring at each set of info for a good twenty minutes before moving on to the next (we have Dish, so it shows info for four channels at a time on the guide). Then when they finally do choose something to watch, it's bound to be shitty... My frustration was so sky high that I actually had to leave the room - if I had stayed, I think I might've hurt someone...

So I was watching this thing on Cheng and Eng, the famous Siamese twins from the 1800's. From middle age until they died, Cheng (I think it was Cheng, anyway... it might've been Eng... nevertheless, it was only one of them) had a drinking problem. Okay, can you imagine having someone attached to you who's drunk all the time? I mean, really - think of the practical problems that would arise... he'd be bound to puke on you every once in awhile, and once in awhile is way too much for me... he'd be stumbling and falling down when you're trying to walk or work (they were farmers when they retired from the circus)... he'd be passed out when you wanted to get up to go to the bathroom! Dude, that would totally suck! And then, when they were old, Cheng was the first to die... okay, can you imagine that? Eng died something like a few hours later (of a broken heart, like old couples who've been married for 70 years - I totally want to be like that), but still... for at least a few hours he was attached to a dead person. A DEAD PERSON!!! ATTACHED TO HIM!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's just too insane to imagine...

2002-07-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

Today was such a shitty day. Nothing happened to make it shitty, it just was. I feel worthless here - I do nothing all day long. I feel trapped in this house, but I have nowhere to go. I'm so unhappy here... I tried to have a positive attitude about moving to FL, I really did. But it's just not cool anymore. I have no privacy whatsoever here - it's not that I don't have my own room... that doesn't really bother me. It's more that I'm always here and so is everybody else! My aunt's the only one who ever goes anywhere.. other than that, it's my mom, Kyle, Scott, and me... chilling here at the house... ALL THE TIME. At the same time, even though I feel like I can't escape people, I'm so alone. Yeah, I just feel really alone. And today, I just really felt like not being lonely... but that's kind of impossible when there's nobody here. I really hope that all of this changes on Tuesday when I start working.

It's killing me that I can't be with you babe - I miss you so much.

2002-07-20T01:42:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been three or four days since I last blogged... Perhaps I'm easing myself off of all of my addictions. I ran out of money on the internet gambling, so no more of that (if any of my credit cards were good, I'd totally still be playing). I've stuck religiously by my one-clove-per-day rule, and I don't think it will be a problem at all to quit when the pack is through - each one I smoke seems grosser than the one before. I have a hard time with doing things that I don't want to do, or things that I do not choose to do. So I was kind of worried about quitting smoking because, honestly, I like smoking. And the thought of quitting when I didn't want to, or when it wasn't really by choice, but more because of my situation here... well, I didn't think I could do it. But now that I'm only smoking one per day, I don't really see myself wanting any more once this pack is finished. So now I'm only really addicted to my blog... and not writing for three or four days - that's a big break from blogging... Hmmm, this could spell trouble...

So I start my new job on Tuesday - I'll be a salesperson in the Men's dept of JCPenney. I'm working at the mall! I'm pretty stoked, since it only took me two days of looking for a job to land one... even if it does pay almost (and we're talking pretty damn close to) nothing. At least it will give me something to do, and maybe it will help me meet people too. AND, school here starts super early, like August 9 or something like that, so back-to-school sales are all over the place, and I get a 20% discount on stuff in my store... Shopping Spree! Well, no, not really... all the money I make has to go to a car and paying bills... but I'm trying to be optimistic!

Living here is very boring - I feel like a big piece of shit since I do nothing all day, but I know that it doesn't matter where in the country I live, I'm still gonna be a big piece of shit and do nothing all day. So I can't really blame that on Florida. I miss my boy... I miss SD music - The Classified, Three Last Words, maybe even Counterfit... no, probably not them... I miss being able to breathe without really knowing that you're breathing - the air here is way too thick... I miss partying - nobody here to party with, nobody here my own age... I miss being in a familiar place and seeing familiar faces... I'm dramatic - I can do this. It's not that long - I'll survive... once it's over, I'll wonder what this big deal was - well, I hope it'll be like that anyway...

I think I use the "..." too much when I type - does anyone else feel this way? Does it bother you? If so, let me know, and I'll try to tone it down a bit...

Smile cute boy - I had a dream about you last night... We were so happy to see each other and to just be with each other. I didn't want to wake up.

2002-07-16T01:52:00.000-04:00

So after hanging out with my cousins for a few days, I came to the realization that I have been laboring under a delusion for a long time. This whole time, I thought I was really clever when I was little. When I would pretend to feel a certain way and it seemed like my mom believed me, she was really just avoiding arguing with me. When I cleaned my room and stuffed everything under my bed, my mom knew, but I thought I had really outsmarted her. When I pretended to be asleep when I really wasn't, and she knew, I thought she was psychic... how else would she have known the truth? My cousins are the worst actors, and I know exactly what they're thinking, because I used to think the exact same thing. When Scott cries fake tears because Kyle accidentally hits him, I remember how I used to do the same thing to get attention. I was a retarded little kid... and it's taken me this long to realize it. Moms always tell their kids that they can't wait until they have children of their own, because then they'll understand. It's only taken me five days of hanging out with kids that are not my own to apologize to my mom for being such a pain in the ass.

But cutest thing ever: Kyle and Scott are drawing up floor plans for a house that they're going to build when they grow up. They want our entire family to live there. This house is not in the shape of a Zoid, as I'd previously thought, but it does have a large Zoid warehouse that can be transported to other parts of the world so that our Zoids can battle with other people's Zoids. Too cute...

My sister is an endless fountain of worry for me... but that's all I can do, is worry. There is nothing I can do to help her besides let her know that I love her and that I will always be right by her side. She has to make her mistakes - she has to suffer her own consequences. Most importantly, she has to learn to take responsibility for her actions... she has a lot of growing up to do, a lot of maturity to gain. I don't envy her situation at all... but I'll be here through it all, cuz I love the girl. And not just cuz she's my sister, but because really, even if she doesn't know it, she's an awesome person. She's one of those people who lights up a room with her nonstop laughter, the kind of person that everyone knows because she loves to meet new people. She is funny and so energetic that it makes you tired just watching her do her thing. In this way, she reminds me of Helen... only I think Helen is genuinely friendly and kindhearted. Sooni, on the other hand, is sometimes only nice to people in order to get something from them... not everyone, and not all the time... she's not a bad person, but she can be extremely manipulative. She knows how to get what she wants... the only problem is that right now, she doesn't know exactly what she wants. She doesn't know how to be happy with herself, and she won't listen to anyone who wants to help her... so the drama continues...

I started my job search today... I'm trying to be optimistic because I have to be. If I don't get a job, then I'll have no money. If I have no money, then I'll have no car. If I have no car, then I'll be a bum and have to depend on people for rides, and I HATE that. It's my turn to be DD dammit - I feel so bad that the responsibility never rests on me. Anyway, also, if I don't get a job, then my chances of meeting people my own age plummit to infinitesimal levels, and I will be doomed to be a dorky, sober loner for the rest of the summer.

I went to Wal-Mart around 11pm to buy Kyle some ear drops, and when I came out, there was a guy leaning against his car (which was next to mine) and he had four girls surrounding him. I'm sure he probably felt like a pimp, because it was obvious that all of the girls wanted him... but I just wanted to let him in on what was obvious to me: that he was pimpin it in the Wal-Mart parking lot... They were the first people I've seen that looked remotely my age the whole time I've been in Florida, but if acting stupid and ditzy in front of guys in the Wal-Mart parking lot is what girls around here do at night, then maybe I'm better off just chilling with the rabbits.

Another Wal-Mart story... I got in my car, turned it on, and decided that I didn't want to back out of the space because there was nobody in front of me, so I put it in first and started going forward. CRASH! I forgot that there was one of those concrete space blockers in front of me, and the front tires went over it, leaving the rest of the car to crash down onto it... So I sat with my head in my hands for a good two minutes thinking, "OMG, I'm dead. My mom is going to kill me. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this Wal-Mart parking lot forever, listening to these four girls drone on and on about how 'So she called me a fat whore, and I was like, excuse me? If anyone's fat, it's you.' (which was actually kind of funny because she didn't deny the whore part...)" So then I got out of the car and assessed the situation. If I went forward more, I would have to go over another one of the concrete blocks, so it looked like my best bet was to put the car in reverse and let her rip... before I had a chance, the pimpy guy came over and asked if I needed some help. I think his harem was a little upset by this, because they ran over and started bombarding him with questions about why one of their numbers was in his cell phone, but the other three were not. Anyway, so I backed up the car, and after three tries, the tires went back over the block and I was on my way. So thankfully, nothing was damaged, because it was quite a possibility since my mom's car is so low to the ground. Yeah, so that was my bit of excitement for the day...

Hey cute boy, it was good talking to you last night... I'm trying to be content seeing you online and talking on the phone, but I guess I'm just really greedy - I want you here with me... or I want to be there with you... it doesn't matter. As long as we were together, I wouldn't even care if we were back at the ice cream-less Dairy Queen in Arizona. God, I miss you so much it's driving me crazy, and it's only been a week since I last saw you. I honestly haven't felt this way about anyone in so long - I forgot how good it feels to really long to be with someone, because even though it kills you not to be with them, at least you know that you have someone. I know that when I'm thinking of you, you're thinking of me too, and even though I can't see you, just that knowledge makes life so much better... it helps me get up and face the day, because every day that I endure without you brings me one day closer to the next time I'll see you. How much I miss you scares me sometimes, because in all honesty, we don't know each other all that well... but I do know how I feel when you hold me. And I do know how my heart jumps when you look at me. And I do know how I smile when I hear your voice or read your words, or even just think about you (with your shirt off :P). And I guess really, that's all I need to know. You are wonderful, and I can't believe how lucky I am that you are mine. I must've done something right in my life to deserve your attention... Oh btw, I told my cousins how you like Zoids too, and they wanted to know which one is your favorite...

2002-07-14T02:17:00.000-04:00

My Play-Doh party wasn't nearly as cool as the sticker party I had last night... I'm completely uncreative. Although I did fashion some lovely haircuts for some little plastic people who came into my salon, and I also made some lovely ice cream sundaes... I am SUCH a dork!

Lilo and Stitch was so freaking cute! I love Disney... so hardcore...

My life is boring.

My cousins are soooooo spoiled! I love them to death, but my GOODNESS! They have every toy they could possibly want, not to mention costumes, art stuff, movies, computer games... you get the picture. Also, they are the pickiest eaters EVER, and everyone just puts up with it. My mom and I have decided to make it our mission to put a stop to this, because seriously, if they had it their way, I'd be in the kitchen 24/7 fixing them their meals. The other day my grandma made a whole bunch of food - ravioli, tamales, rice, and stew (a very eclectic meal, for sure) - and the only thing the boys would eat was the rice. She had to make ham separately for Scott, and fish sticks for Kyle. I couldn't believe it! She's old, she's tired... and she puts up with that shit?!? Let me tell you, my kids are going to eat what they're given, that's for damn sure, or they won't eat at all. These boys get away with so much shit - they're going to be hell when they get older, and my aunt will have no one to blame but herself. But yeah, just these few days with Scott and Kyle have made me extremely grateful that I don't have kids of my own yet. I am NOT ready to commit to something that huge (and at times, SOOOOOO annoying!). I love my cousins - they're awesome kids... but I'm just happy that I get to do my own thing at the end of the day, even if it is building Play-Doh cities by myself...

Nothing has changed. I miss you so much it hurts. You know how sometimes when you wake up, it takes you a minute to realize where you are and what's going on? Even then, in the midst of my confusion, all I can think about is you... I wonder why you're not next to me, and when you will be again. I wonder what you're doing, and I know that no matter what it is, you're lookin oh so cute doing it... It really is so beautiful here (even if it does rain every afternoon), and I wish you were here to share it with me.

2002-07-13T03:23:00.000-04:00

My sticker party was really fun... I just wish you could have been there.

Tomorrow I get to take Kyle and Scott to see Lilo and Stitch, so that's cool.

I got to talk to Louisa, and she talked to Sarah a few days ago... Apparently Sarah actually believes that it was her fault that John and her were fighting before... that makes me so sad. I want to cry for her, but I already have... I've cried enough for someone who doesn't seem to give a shit about me and what's going on in my life. I love the girl, and I think I'm ready to talk to her (cuz I'm the big person, the mature one... always, always me), but my respect for her is starting to deteriorate. Too sad. But Louisa's doing well - too bad I'm not going to get to see her again during this lifetime! I miss her! She makes me smile :)

Uh oh... I think my gambling addiction's coming back...

I'm not used to being able to feel the air... it's so freaking humid here. My aunt's backyard is like a jungle, and the frogs make some CRAZY ass noises...

So I decided to let myself cheat on the whole no smoking thing. Don't lose faith! I'm still quitting! The thing is, I still have a pack and a half left, and I can't just throw them away (that would be a waste of money!), so I have to smoke them. Plus, I think part of my attitude toward being here and being unhappy here has to do with the lack of nicotine circulating through my veins. So, as a solution, I'm allowing myself to smoke ONE clove per day until they are all gone. That way, I can wean my way off of them, since I've been smoking almost a pack a day for the last week (again, I smoke like a chimney on road trips). So that's my plan... it'll work, because I want it to. I really do want to quit, and this is the perfect place for that to happen... but I could use some support... my mom certainly has no faith in me.

I love Weezer. Their new video is so great... if you haven't seen it, watch for Gone Fishin' - you can't miss it... it has lots of muppets!

I really want to take Scott to see Blue's Clues Live - that would be AWESOME!

Hey cute boy, you are wonderful. I miss you.

2002-07-11T23:09:00.000-04:00

For as many times as I give everyone 10's in the Rate A Buddy AIM thing, I think there's another person going around giving everybody 1's. Depressing... I really, really wish that I had some crayons to organize, but all the ones here aren't in their original containers... but there is Play-Doh... perhaps it can be an acceptable substitute and I can stop bitching...

2002-07-11T22:59:00.000-04:00

Now that my cousins are in bed, I'm starting to think about how alone I am here. Sure, I have my mom and my aunt and my grandparents... but what about a friend? I tried to talk to Marijeanne, and she was totally weird. That just threw me off, and then I tried calling Louisa, but of course she wasn't home. I don't know who else to call... I could call my boy, but I don't want to be all depressed on the phone with him... but then again, talking to him would cheer me up... but if I called and he wasn't there, I think I would be five million times more upset than I am now, and I really don't want to be that psycho girl who cries when she doesn't know what her boy is doing. That's not me, and that wouldn't even be why I would be upset... All I want is for someone to tell me that they miss me and that they care, but if the next person I call is weird or isn't there, I don't think I'll be able to handle it... I think I'm better just writing in my blog... I don't like crying on the phone anyway... I don't like crying in front of people at all... I don't like crying period, but it's gonna happen. I just really miss California. I really miss my friends, my sister, my brother, and my boy... I miss feeling loved and wanted... I hate it when I'm being dramatic like this - like these people have been absent from my life for SO long... it's only been a few days! But... it seems like forever, and these next couple of months are going to be really hard...

Hmmm, South Africa isn't looking so promising now... I'm starting to doubt myself and my ability to thrive in new situations.

2002-07-11T17:55:00.000-04:00

I love Kyle and Scott (my cousins - Kyle's 8, and Scott is 6) - they are hilarious. Scott told me all about the last living dinosaurs in the world. Apparently they live in a Jurassic Park type place in the middle of Africa. He kind of got worried when I told him that I'm going to Africa soon - I think he thought I was planning on visiting the dinosaur park and he knew I'd be disappointed when I didn't find it. So he started elaborating on his story, talking about how it is really hard to get into because the walls are 500X higher than this house. Then, Kyle said something and Scott corrected him, which led to an argument over what exactly was said. Scott: "No, you said... well, I don't remember what you said, but it was wrong." And I've already established that Scott does indeed watch Blue's Clues, and even though he's seen Lilo and Stitch twice, he wants me to take him again. Sweet! Oh, Scott's awesome... Scott: "I saw this commercial. And I saw this cartoon." Me: "Which cartoon? Jurassic Park?" Scott: "Yeah! I watched it in my *his eyes got really wide and he raised his voice* SECRET LABORATORY!" So I say again, I love these boys... we're gonna go swimming now...

I'll blog again later since I went for so many days without writing... I miss you, and I'm thinking about you just about all the time...

2002-07-11T17:49:00.000-04:00

So here's all the crap I wrote down in my journal during my trip...
July 7, 2002
9:09am – Leaving Willows!
--The car is very full, and I can’t lean my seat back at all. This is a good way to force yourself to have good posture, I think.
--Our motivation and reason for not bitching during this trip = if we were making this trek 150yrs ago, we’d be in wagons… and it would take 3+ months… and it would be really dangerous… and sooooo uncomfortable! Woodent bench seats!?! Fuhgeddaboutit! Anyway, so when I start to bitch, I’ll try to remember our miserable pioneering ancestors.
11:16am – We’re making really good time – Mom says we’re averaging 78 miles per hour.
--Enrique Iglesias’ song “Hero” is on, and he says, “Will you save my soul tonight?” That seems like a lot of pressure to put on someone.
2:44pm – We’re in Bakersfield now. I was driving for the past 2 ½ or 3 hours… drivers suck. I try to be as patient as possible, but it seemed like I had someone tailgating me the entire time I was driving. And, I am the worst lane-picker in the world. I think the sight of me driving causes everyone to slow down… maybe it’s cuz I’m so beautiful :P
--It’s crazy to me how every time we get on the road, we put our lives in the hands of everyone else on the road. We trust them without ever really acknowledging it. I think maybe if others recognized and respected this unspoken agreement, perhaps there would be less road rage?
4:05pm – Not making good time anymore… still haven’t even made it to San Bernadino.
--There are Joshua trees all over, and I think they’re really ugly.
4:33pm – A Palmdale pawnbroker’s called “The Happy Hocker”
4:52pm – Littlerock, CA is called “The Fruit Basket of the Antelope Valley,” but all it is is desert and a few roadside stands. If that’s the fruit basket, I certainly wouldn’t want to see the “Shit Town of the Antelope Valley.”
7:14pm – On the 52W – Almost there!!!

July 8, 2002
9:04am – Leaving Norm and Annie’s… Norm is wonderful. 2 months is going to seem like an eternity… I already miss him like crazy and wish he were right here with me.
10:55am – We ate breakfast at the Golden Acorn Casino, which is totally in the middle of NOWHERE… I don’t even know where the people who work here live, unless it’s in caves or something… but anyway, according to the all knowing acorn on the signs, this is the luckiest place on earth.
11:50am – El Centro, CA – Stopped and bought 3 packs of cloves because we don’t know if they sell them in other states. This place is HOT and GHETTO! There’s a Baskin Robbins with a sign that says 21 flavors! Could they not afford the other 10?
12:35pm – Arizona! Got a pic by the sign…
2:12pm – So tired… SO HOT! I want a popsicle, and I want to take another shower.
3:42pm – Yeah, so it was sooooo freaking hot (I thought I was gonna die), and the air conditioning was freaking out. So I saw a sign for Dairy Queen and I figured it was a gift from heaven… for 14 miles, all I thought about was swimming in sweet, wonderful, COLD ice cream. So we get off the freeway and go in the Dairy Queen… and the lady tells us they don’t have any ice cream!!! Most worthless Dairy Queen EVER!!!
12:45am – Now we’re in a Super 8 Motel just past the Texas border. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful… I drove for awhile, but then mom wanted to drive so I could read her another chapter of Harry Potter.
--I miss Norm.

July 9, 2002
9:42am – Leaving our motel in Anthony, TX… gonna have Croissanwiches at Burger King!!!
9:57am – Just kidding – the stupid BK didn’t have any croissants… too sad.
10:01am – Outside of El Paso, TX, there’s a very large billboard advertising for Vasectomy Reversal…
2:45pm – I slept for an hour or so – completely uncomfortable, but I’m trying to continually remind myself of the wagon trains… and I’m thinking about how excited I am to see my cousins. But that excitement is canceled out by how much I miss Norm. I have no clue where we are… somewhere in BFE of Texas… Hate to disappoint Marc, but so far Texas has not impressed me in the least.
3:43pm – We stopped for gas outside of Midland, TX – drove 300+ miles without stopping. The gas station was called Patriot Oil or something like that, and there were 2 dogs and a cat chillin inside. There were also tons of articles and comics taped to the walls… lots of the articles had things like, “Don’t you believe it!” written on them. It was funny.
5:27pm – I drove for awhile, then we pulled over near this prison so mom could put in the windshield wipers fuse (long story… basically, our wipers suck)… I went pee on an anthill. Hehehe Then mom started driving again because the passenger seat hurts her back. It hurts me too, but if she really wants to drive so much, it’s fine with me.
11:45pm – We’re stopped for the night at another Super 8 Motel, about 50 miles west of Shreveport, LA. I’ve been driving for the last 3 or so hours. We were listening to the radio in Dallas, and there was some sort of dating * my mom just found a Gameboy in the drawer! Big Score!!! * show, and this stupid, stupid girl was describing herself, and she called herself… WHITE-COMPLECTED. White-complected! How awesome is that?!?! She made up her own word!!!
--My hair looks really good right now…
--I’ve been thinking about Sarah a lot. I think I’m going to be the big person and write to her… it’s been long enough so I think I can refrain from being too bitchy.
--I miss my computer!!! It’s my link to Norm, and I feel so much farther away from him when I can’t read his blog. I miss that boy too much… it’s almost scary how much I think about him. * sigh * 2 days without him down, so many more to go…

July 10, 2002
10:00am – Stopped at BK again to get a Croissanwich… yummmm… there was a large cow head on the wall inside of BK… weird.
10:34am – Louisiana!
--I want to learn to speak Cajun – it would be a totally useless skill, but I’m sure it’d make me super popular at parties.
--We just passed the nicest rest area ever.
--I already like Louisiana way better than Texas. There are swamps covered in really pretty water lilies, and it’s just green and beautiful for as far as the eye can see.
12:13pm – We stopped to get gas, and these two guys wouldn’t stop staring at me… I think they’d never seen a real live Asian person before.
1:33pm – Pioneering ancestors… wagon trains… wooden benches…
3:12pm – Why am I ALWAYS driving when it starts pouring? We’re stuck in a flooded parking lot somewhere outside of Baton Rouge because I could not see a thing on the freeway because it was raining so hard… Goodness, this is retarded. Oh yeah, the rest stops that look so nice from the freeway are wholly deceiving – very run down, and VERY stinky.
3:24pm – Still in the parking lot, trying to wait out this rain, but it’s not looking very promising. I really, really have to pee, but there’s no way I’m getting out of the car in this. Not only would I get soaked, but it would be hard to tell if you peed on yourself. The car is hotboxed because we can’t roll down the windows to let the smoke out… yummmm – second-hand smoke…
3:39pm – We finally got out of the flood and across the street to a gas station. I changed into pants in the nastiest bathroom ever – it took precision and care to escape with my nose intact and my jeans clean, but I was able to pull it off, thank goodness. I would rather be naked than to wear clothes that even have just a faint smell of that bathroom lingering around.
--I LOVE the way people talk here! I want to just sit and listen to them converse all day… it would take all day for me just to figure out what they’re saying, but whatever.
3:58pm – Almost to New Orleans! Louisiana doesn’t seem too concerned with maintaining their roads… it’s really bumpy here…
4:40pm – In traffic in downtown New Orleans. My mom and I are getting catcalled left and right – too funny! One guy leaned out his window and asked if he could “come with us – figuratively and physically” – dirty old man…
4:49pm – A commercial on the radio was advertising a raffle for a free breast augmentation. “Bring your breasts to Kenny’s Key West!”
5:57pm – We didn’t stop in New Orleans because I’m retarded and apparently I can’t read a map. But I got to see all the old architecture from the freeway, which was completely satisfying. We stopped after New Orleans and ate – I had jambalaya and crawfish pie, just to take advantage of this funky southern food. We just got into Mississippi, and their littering signs say “$250 fine for throwing trash out of the window.” Perhaps not everyone in Mississippi knows what “littering” means?
6:14pm – haha – I’m retarded. I just fully realized the purpose of time zones… :P
7:15pm – Woo hoo! We’re in Alabama!
7:53pm – Woo hoo! We’re in Florida!
12:48am – At a Days Inn in Tallahassee – give me a Super 8 any day… this place is beyond ghetto. We’ll be at Grandma and Grandpa’s tomorrow afternoon – finally! There’s something I’ve been wanted to write the last few nights, but whenever I sit down to write it, I forget what it was. Poop. Yeah, that’s it: poop.

July 11, 2002
12:11pm – Only about an hour away from Merritt Island! I slept for awhile in the car this morning, then read my mom some more Harry Potter. I don’t know why it makes me so happy that she really likes it…
--Today is my last day of smoking… shitty… but sooooo good.
--There are all these signs for a place called “We Bare All” – some of them say they have a restaurant and adult toys… in the same place? I can see myself losing my appetite pretty quickly if certain people were baring it all…
--I want to go shopping… I need a new bathing suit. Maybe my grandma will take me – she’s a shopaholic.
--I know I’m a dork, but I really hope my six-year-old cousin likes Blue’s Clues… then I’ll finally have someone of a proper age to watch it with and I won’t seem so retarded when I yell to Steve on the TV that there’s a clue behind him…
--I’m going through some serious blogger withdrawals.
12:51pm – Mom and I just peed behind some trees off the freeway… hehehe We took a wrong turn first and ended up outside a state correctional facility… that’s the second time I’ve peed near a prison on this trip.

2002-07-11T14:33:00.000-04:00

Holy crap - I never want to get into a car again! I'm FINALLY in Florida, chilling at my grandparents' house. I'm going to post my journal entries when I feel like it, so that everyone will have a minute-by-minute play of what my cross-country adventure was like (boring). But for now, I'm just saying hello... hi.

2002-07-06T01:06:00.000-04:00

The plan has changed yet again... now we're leaving (hopefully) as early as possible on Sunday morning. So I should be in SD by Sunday afternoon, leaving the rest of the night to chill. I'm crossing my fingers that this goes off without a hitch... in my family, leaving on time and sticking to things like "plans" aren't exactly top priority.

2002-07-05T03:17:00.000-04:00

No matter where I am, I'm always the last one to go to bed... I hate having to be the one who turns out all the lights and makes sure all the doors are locked. Whatever, though...

So I was thinking, it must suck for a lot of girls not being able to spit. Cuz I was sitting in the back of my brother's truck, and there was no window for me to spit out of, and I had to swallow it, which I hate. So do girls (and guys) who never spit just always swallow it? That must get gross after awhile...

Good 4th of July... not too eventful, but fun nonetheless.

I miss you - hope to talk to you sometime before I leave... and I hope you had a wonderful 4th!

2002-07-04T18:37:00.000-04:00

I'm tired, I'm bored, and I want to see my boy.

2002-07-03T23:20:00.000-04:00

I hate moving! Everything is so hectic, plans change, things disappear... it's just crazy! My mom was still trying to leave Friday until yesterday, when she looked around at the wholly unpacked house and realized that we do not possess superhuman packing powers. So now, the "concrete" plan is that we're leaving on Monday the 8th. I really wanted to come to SD on a weekend, because I know a lot of people work hard during the week and can't really party... but as usual, I have absolutely no say in the matter. And my mom told me that we can't go to the Grand Canyon either, cuz it's too far out of our way... dammit!!! I really, really wanted to go! Grrr...

So I came home today after hanging out with Steve for two days, and I found my house devoid of a lot of furniture... so I'm sitting on the floor with the keyboard on my lap. The couch, the desk, the FRIDGE!!! It's kind of funny to have all the cold food in an ice chest (a very small ice chest, mind you) instead of a fridge... So not very many perishables left in the house, which explains why I'm sitting here with a little picnic laid out. My dinner includes some super healthy stuff; I have *my sister's picking her nose... hehehe* crackers, easy cheese, and Pepsi... yummy. We do have a lot of beer, and I'm sure my sister and I would be drinking it up right now if we hadn't been appointed my mom's designated drivers for the night. Nobody ASKED me if I would DD, it was just assumed! Like I would've said no!?! One thing that bothers me about the adults in my life: they don't ask for things, and if they happen to ask, they NEVER say please. Like being polite is only for kids? Why do parents teach their children to be polite if they're not going to practice what they preach? I swear, every day of my life, it's "Erin, go get your sister." "Erin, go turn on the fan." "Erin, get me some coffee." Am I a freaking slave? I would really appreciate it if my orders were put into question form... sure, it's a formality, but it would make me oh so happy.

Sooni finally woke up from her nap. I tried waking her up awhile ago and I told her that she needed to get up cuz I was lonely. In her sleepy-mode, she told me to take a nap... And she just turned off my music! Thanks a lot...

I love Marijeanne. She is a wonderful person, and sometimes I get really mad at myself for forgetting exactly why she's been my best friend for 9 years.

I waited at the doctor's office for two and a half hours today... all I needed was a prescription refill written... waste of my time.

Sooni's flashing me!

Hey cute boy - looks like I can't see you as soon as I'd hoped, but it does seem like a compromise... As always, I've been thinking about you constantly these past few days, and with each passing day I'm getting more and more excited about finally seeing you. Hopefully I'll get to talk to you soon... Smile, and don't worry - you'll get your hug :)

2002-07-01T21:38:00.000-04:00

Sooni and Steve are at it again... he's crying, which makes me want to cry, so I'm gonna go over there and console him for the night. I hate seeing or hearing guys cry. Not because they shouldn't, because they should be manly men or something, but because it rips my heart out because it's so rare... Anyway, he needs a friend, and if that's what I can do for him, I'll do it. My sister's more of a loner kind of sad person, so she'll be okay without me, I think. So anyway, I won't be online till tomorrow probably... but I miss you. I can't wait to leave all this drama behind, and I can't wait till I see you again. All I need is you, and our shack, and our pinto... custom painted... Still no word on how soon I'll be leaving, but we'll see... Hope packing wasn't too hard on you today - smile cute boy :)

2002-06-30T23:13:00.000-04:00

Grrr! I wrote this long ass blog, and when I tried to publish it, it said that blogger.com was down, and I lost the whole thing! I say again: Grrr!!!

I just realized that I haven't been to Celestino's the whole time I've been home... too sad.
I missed church today. I know God understands, but again, too sad.

According to Yahoo!, SD is 2489.6 miles from my grandparents' house... aaaahhhhh!!! Crazy!!!!

There's a bunch of drama going down with my sister and her boyfriend, but I won't go into it right now (because I already did! And it's gone!)... I just hope that everything works out for the best.

So my mom's talking about postponing our trip a week so that we leave on the 12th instead... I don't want to wait, cuz the sooner I can see you, the better... but it's not up to me, so I guess we'll see...

Parties in SD are five million times better than the parties that I've been going to lately... maybe it's cuz I love all the people in SD, I don't know. But I have so much more fun... can't wait to go back...

Gym or no gym, I think you're perfect just the way you are...

The left side of my left hand is asleep... it's hard to type when two fingers hardly work... weird...

I had the weirdest dream last night. In the dream, I had dreamed the night before that a huge, passenger airplane crashed near me. Then I was riding in a van with a bunch of people (the only one I knew was Lila), and I noticed this plane flying really low. I thought about saying something about my dream, but then didn't. Then everyone noticed the plane because it started spinning, and planes that big aren't supposed to do that... then we also saw that it was missing a wing. When the driver realized it was going to crash pretty soon, he pulled over on the side of the road so that we weren't any closer to the plane when it did... Then it crashed on the road ahead of us, and when it exploded, I thought for sure that we were going to die. I felt like it was my fault because I had known exactly what was going to happen because of the dream I had had the night before, and I still didn't warn anyone (although, who I would've warned, I'm not sure...) So I crossed myself, closed my eyes, started to pray, and waited... the force of the explosion made the van roll over a bunch of times, and in the dream, I didn't remember what happened after that until I was in another van on the way to a kind of emergency center where they were taking all the victims to find out if they were hurt or dead or what. When we got to the building, everyone was talking and laughing, and I felt like I was the only one who remembered that hundreds of people had just been killed... it made me sick and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I guess that's about it - I just thought it was so weird that I had a dream inside of a dream... I really hope that a plane doesn't crash now... that would be freaking insane...

2002-06-29T06:07:00.000-04:00

Shit! I forgot that I have to have a copy of my passport to the Study Abroad office by August 1... I don't have a passport to make a copy of!!! And if I want to get it in time, I have to pay sixty extra bucks! Shitty! I don't know where this money is going to come from... I have to talk to my mom, but I don't want to bother her - she's already so worried about money... Shitty! Okay, think happy thoughts... like getting to see my sister tomorrow... like getting to see my boy in a week... like Celestino's pizza... like porn... whoops! Did I just write that? hahaha... okay, another smoke break, and if you're not online by then, I just gotta go to bed...

2002-06-29T03:58:00.000-04:00

I'm at the house Marijeanne's housesitting again - we just got finished watching Billy Elliot. I love that movie. I get chills at the end every time I watch it. The people who live in this house have a dog named Molly, and she's one of the sweetest dogs ever. She smiles! I love dogs that do that. I can't wait to get a dog of my own.

So I was outside smoking, and the only thing to read in this house was a cheezy book called "I Hope You Dance." It's one of those inspirational little books that you buy for people when you don't really know what else to get them, and this one is based on Leeann Womack's song. Anyway, it was actually pretty cute, and there are a few things I wanted to write down so I don't forget...

"What would you be without hope
growing deep in your bones,
thriving in every inch of you?
NOTHING.
What does it take to hope?
EVERYTHING."

"If you're ever lying on a beach with
80 billion* grains of sand beneath you,
700 thousand* ocean waves before you,
60 million* stars stretched out above you,
and you're still not at all impressed,
I want you to think about this:
The light you see reflecting from the stars is over one million* years old.
WOW.
But then, just before you start to feel like a mere blip
in the gigantic scheme of things, please remember this:
Yes, you are small, but you're also irreplaceable
and invaluable
and miraculous.
Those stars don't have anything on you.
(*all numbers grossly underestimated)"

So now I'm waiting for you to come online. I miss you.

2002-06-28T14:30:00.000-04:00

So I'm watching Maury Povich (cuz after all these years, I still can't get enough of talk shows), and a man and his daughter have just been reunited after 31 years. I usually tear up during these reunions, but this time, I was bawling... I couldn't help but think about my own father. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, and if he ever wants to see me again. But would I want to see him again? I don't think so, because I don't know if I can ever forgive him for the things he did to my mother and my brother and sister and me. But why is life so unfair? Why didn't I get to have a dad when I was growing up? At the time, I thought of my stepfather as my dad, but where is he now? And when I think about the years that he lived with us, I can count on one hand the number of times he showed an interest in my life. He couldn't even remember my birthday, and I was supposedly his favorite. I try not to think about it... I don't make a big deal out of it. Most people don't know how hard my life has been because I don't show it, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me because of it. Even though it's been hard, I know that I have no right to complain. Some people have it so much worse than I do. I have my mom, who's awesome, and friends and family who love me. But I can't help but think about the void in my life that could've been filled by a father. I'm too old now - that part of my life will never be complete. All I can do is make sure that the father of my children will be someone who will not leave - that's the least I can do for my kids. I know what it's like to feel like you weren't good enough for your father to want to stick around, and I would never, ever put my kids through that. Even though there's nothing I can do about my situation, I can't help but be sad. I wish I had a father to walk me down the aisle when I get married... I wish I had had a father who was protective when I started dating... I wish I had had a father who loved me. Now that I've gotten all this depressing stuff out of my system for the time being, I'm going to try to forget about it again. It's hard to think about it all the time - it's easier to just pretend like the problem doesn't exist, like it doesn't hurt me. I know I can't run away from my problems, but there's nothing I can do about this one except not think about it.

2002-06-28T04:38:00.000-04:00

I'm soooo tired, so I'm off to bed already. I tried to wait up, but the floor is calling my name. I'm going to pass out to the sounds of Dirty Dancing (one of the greatest movies ever). I'll be dreaming about you, though.

Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here
You're mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float on air
The nightingale sings gentle lullabyes
So let me close my eyes
And sleep, perchance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this
So let the moon
Shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He'll dream of me
(This is Kirsten Dunst's song in Get Over It, which is a highly underrated movie - Martin Short is freaking hilarious in it... anyway, if you can be cheezy and cute with a song, so can I, cuz this one is very fitting.)

2002-06-27T03:38:00.000-04:00

I was about to write - "Wow, I can't believe I didn't post anything yesterday." But then I realized that I not only posted yesterday, I posted twice! I think I'm going crazy...

Anyway, yesterday I saw Leah for the first time since I've been home. She's changed a lot, even since I saw her when I was home during Spring Break. I can't say what's different exactly... I was going to say it's her priorities, but now that I think about it, they've always been a little outta wack. I don't know - all I know is that she's different, and I don't like it. I still love the girl, but I wish she could be plain old Leah, the one with the attitude, the one with the crazy clove habit who loved to drive and smoke (she had a fake ID made so that she could buy cloves before she was 18... she's the only person I know who ever had to do that - everyone else could support their minimal habit by having people buy for them, but she smoked so freaking much that she could never find enough people over 18... hahaha), the one who used to call me every other week to pick her up down the street from her house because she was running away, the one who loved me and loved our friendship... more than wakeboarding or the lake or superficial Oroville people. I've always been patient with her, and I will continue to be, because 'patience is a virtue for which we should all strive.'

I just watched the Neverending Story, and I was noticing the little Disney symbol in the corner with an 800 number to subscribe to the channel... that means that we recorded that movie so long ago. I think we were still living in Pennsylvania... it's crazy how some things just stand the test of time...

So I went to the eye doctor today, and every year the dr. tells me something different. Before my vision was the same in both eyes, then last year I had an astigmatism in my right eye, and now I have an astigmatism in both eyes... he wants me to get special contacts. Oh, and I have a scar on my cornea, too... and I think he thought I was lying when I told him I didn't know where it came from. Why would I lie!?! I wanted glasses, but the insurance company sucks and said they only pay for frames every other year, so I have to wait until October of 2003. But that doesn't make any sense because the last time I got new frames was senior year, which was... oh, what? Two years ago? I love that this is my problem... that I can't get new glasses yet. It could be so much worse!!!

I finished The Stand tonight! That was a long ass book, but it was really good... except I didn't like the ending very much. So there's this bad guy, Randall Flagg, that the good guys are against, and it talks about him the whole entire book. He's really a demon, but he takes the shape of a man and is the head of the bad people in Las Vegas after this big superflu wipes out most of the human population. At the end (close your eyes if you're planning on reading the book), he DOESN'T DIE! Call me simple, or whatever, but I like HAPPY endings! When it's good vs. evil, good is always supposed to triumph, even in Stephen King books. I realize that he's a demon, and even if he did die, he'd just go back to hell and then probably return to do his evil stuff on earth again, but it's the principle of the thing, you know? It was so unceremonious the way that the bad people were wiped out. There was all this buildup, and then an A-bomb just goes off and destroys Las Vegas, but Flagg DISAPPEARS right before it goes off! That's BS! All of the bad guys (except THE bad guy) were destroyed in about three paragraphs... it reminded me of a paper I'd write when I'm running really, really short on time so I just write a two or three sentence conclusion. So Flagg should've died, that's all I'm saying. Other than that, the book was awesome... but a bad ending kind of stays with you more than the rest of the book, no matter how great it was. Oh well, on to Turtle Moon, which Marijeanne is making me read before I leave. And I have to get a book (or two or three) for the road - I was thinking about The Brothers K, Valley of the Dolls, or Bonfire of the Vanities. It has to be something well-known because I try to alternate my reading between award-winning type stuff and not-so-award-winning-but-still-good stuff.

Hey cute boy! I miss you! I haven't talked to you for two whole days now... So you say you're scared shitless because you're worried that a lot can change in two months? No worries, babe - you're not alone. I do this retarded thing where I make up situations in my head, and they always take crazy paths and are extremely irrational, but the one I've been going over in my mind lately is when I get to SD next Saturday. I run up to hug you, and you act really weird... then you tell me that you made a mistake, and that you didn't mean to say all those things to me... that you changed your mind, and I should just forget everything you said. So that's the worse case scenario, I suppose... but being scared that this is just a wonderful dream that I will soon have to wake from is always in the back of my mind. I want you to have fun this summer too - I would hate to think that I hold anybody back from anything they want to do (and it sounds like you are having fun, keeping up a drinking streak - I'm totally jealous! I've been painfully sober since I got back!). So let's make a deal - I'll try not to worry about it if you try not to also. Two months is a long time, but there's nothing either of us can do to make the time any shorter. Worrying doesn't help anything, so let's try to be confident in each other. Just know that I miss you, and I've missed you since the day I left. With the way things are going, I can't imagine anything being any different at the end of the summer. If I had the least bit of doubt, I'd tell you, because I would never want you to wait around all summer if I didn't mean the things I say with all of my heart. Not that I want you to "wait around" now, but you know what I mean... So Hakuna Matata, and smile cute boy (and then you say, "Yes ma'am")...

I took some cough syrup (the good kind, with codeine), cuz I finally picked up my prescriptions... yes, I'm STILL sick! Anyway, I think it's starting to kick in, and I'm about to pass out... so later...

2002-06-25T20:33:00.000-04:00

My eyes hurt... maybe I should take my contacts out more often. It has just occurred to me that I'm totally addicted to my blog... I started writing a post with the sole purpose of telling the world that my eyes hurt. I didn't think it would happen to me... but I've been sucked in by the blog. It's all good, though, cuz Marijeanne's mom is cooking up some grub tonight, and I haven't eaten anything today but Kraft Singles!

2002-06-25T13:35:00.000-04:00

So, if you'll note the time down at the end of this post, you'll see that it's only 10 am. And now you're wondering, 'What the hell is Erin doing awake at such an early hour? It's summertime! Wait... she sleeps well into the afternoon no matter what time of year it is!' And all I can say is, I've finally done it. I've defied the laws of sleep. I'm going on who knows how many days of watching the sun come up... and apparently my body no longer requires sleep. I'm so not tired, and I haven't slept since yesterday... so what does this mean? Well, it could mean that I could accomplish twice as many things in my day as the average sleeping person. But then we have to take into account that I have absolutely nothing to do all day, so what exactly can be accomplished? It could mean that I'm going to have the darkest, ugliest circles under my eyes... yep, that's pretty much a guarantee. It could mean that I'm going to watch every movie we have in the house before we leave for Florida in 11 days... except for Autumn in New York - God, I hate that movie. Oh, and anything with Arnold Schwarzeneggar... he bugs the hell out of me. But Buffy the Vampire Slayer? O Fo Sho! And The Neverending Story? Damn Straight!

Yeah, so nothing to do, nothing to do... except I'm almost done with The Stand. I can't really put it down, which is also a reason why I didn't sleep. Even if I had been tired, I think I would've kept on reading. On a side note, reading Stephen King books at night out in BFE isn't the smartest thing in the world when you're already scared shitless of every little thing that goes bump in the night. Perhaps my extensive King collection is even the source of my irrational fear of the dark...

Anyway, tomorrow, I do have something to do, which is pretty exciting. Well, the actual thing isn't exciting, cuz it's only an appointment with an optometrist... but the fact that I'll be leaving the house and going into town - into CIVILIZATION!!! - is pretty freaking cool. I miss PEOPLE!!! There are no people here except my mom and this scary farmer who's outside right now... I want to lay out, but he's out there, and I don't know what the big deal is, but I seem to be hiding from him.

Hey Delena! Thanks for feelin me on my blog! Glad to know I'm not alone in the world of dramatic love... and also ecstatic to know I'm not crazy in thinking my house is scary!

"It's like my mother always told me: "reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee." - Eminem - "My Dad's Gone Crazy"... hahahahaha - I laugh my ass off every time I hear that part :D

My sista's going to a week long orientation for Chico State today... wow, I can't believe my little sister is in college. Blows my mind. Time flies when you're not paying attention... and that is why... I'm going to try to appreciate my life more. I want to make every day count. This sounds kind of contradicting to what I said earlier, about how I have nothing to do all day. But that's not really what I mean. While I'd love to be more productive, the fact of the matter is that right now it's not the greatest of possibilities. When I get to FL, sure, I'll have tons of stuff to do. But right now, I'm kind of bored... But anyway, making every day count, yeah... I already tell the people I love that I love them when I see them and when I leave them. It's important to me that they know how much they mean to me (plus my fear of death, not so much mine as much as theirs, is allayed with this practice). But more than just telling them that I love them, I want to appreciate them. I want to appreciate every single second that I have to spend with them, because time flies... people grow older and things change. I want to notice them getting older and the things changing. I want to be able to remember every second that I have with them. I want to actually appreciate the sunrise, instead of just acknowledging its existence as the method of disposing of the night and my fears. I want to walk around this beautiful countryside and drink in the "countriness" of it all... how lucky am I that I get to live in two completely opposite places? Shouldn't I take advantage of that? Shouldn't I LOVE that? There's just SO MUCH that I take for granted in my life, like time with my sister and brother... I can't keep holding this grudge against my brother. He's in Arizona, fighting a fire... what if a mistake was made, and his crew didn't get out of an area in time? Would I have to live my life knowing that the last time I saw him, I was nice, but not too nice because I was still mad at him? Would I ever forgive myself? I don't want to ever question whether or not I've fully appreciated my life and the people and things in it. So from here on out, it's appreciate, be grateful for, take advantage of, and love my life.

I never want to be the kind of person who whines and makes excuses but NEVER actually DOES anything to better my situation... if I'm ever, ever, EVER being like that, PLEASE tell me!

Hey cute boy, not sleeping gives me more time to think about you... but since you came along, I haven't thought of much else anyway... just the basics, you know? Get up, eat, drink, sleep... and now that I'm not sleeping, that eliminates half of my other thoughts. Good thing I'm not anorexic, cuz then it'd be an all-day-just-drinking-and-thinking-of-you-fest in this house. Anyway, so I was thinking... I hope you have a good day... and I hope I get to talk to you later... and these next 11 days are going to feel like an eternity.

2002-06-25T05:36:00.000-04:00

Hook is one of the greatest movies ever made, and I'll take on anyone who begs to differ (JB - I'm talking to you!). My favorite part is when Tinkerbell is carrying Peter off to Neverland in a sheet (cuz he still doesn't realize he's Pan). She's sprinkling fairy dust as she goes, and it falls on a couple who are kissing on a bridge. They start floating because their happy thoughts are each other... My happy thought is you.

2002-06-24T06:44:00.000-04:00

If someone's trying to reach me and can't, no worries... I'm on cloud 9...

I have no choice but to believe you - you are too wonderful for me not to take seriously. I wish you were right next to me so I could say thank you with a kiss instead of just writing it all the time. Know that I feel the exact same way about you - I feel retarded, you should see me... I show your picture to people who are practically strangers, tell them how cute you are and how much I miss you. Everything reminds me of you, so basically I have a permanent smile pasted on my face cuz I smile every time I think of you. I should be down there on the 6th or the 7th, less than two weeks... seems like forever. I can't stay long, probably only a night, but any amount of time with you is better than being so far away from you. Our timing was pretty shitty, but I don't care - I would've much rather had that one night with you than spent the whole summer living with the void that you've filled... I would've rather had that one night with you than spent even one day not feeling the way that I feel right now.

2002-06-23T04:26:00.000-04:00

I don't think you understand that no one's ever been this sweet to me. I don't know the difference between sweet talk and sincerity (especially online) because I've experienced neither. Please don't say things unless you mean them, cuz if I were to find out that the wonderful things you say to me are generic, just lines stored in your lexicon so you can use them on any girl who comes along, I would be thoroughly disappointed. I think that you're one of those fabled "nice guys" that are said not to exist... that's what I hope anyway. But I just wanted to let you know that if you don't mean it, then don't say it, cuz I've been hurt plenty, and I could definitely go forever without any more heartache. That said, I still can't stop smiling =D

2002-06-22T08:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, why do I do this to myself? I'm 20 years old, for goodness sake - I should NOT be afraid of the dark! And considering that I am afraid of the dark, then wouldn't it just make sense for me to SLEEP at night!?! I've seen the sun come up going-on-four days now... that's not normal! Granted, my mom's house is scary, but if it were any house but my own, I would have no qualms about sleeping here, staying up late by myself here, whatever... I'm so sick of being scared. I've lived in fear of this nameless "boogey man" for almost TEN YEARS!!! Am I ever going to get over it? Am I ever just going to say, "Fuck it. What's gonna happen is gonna happen. If the man stalking around outside my window really wants to rape and kill me, he's gonna no matter how scared I am of him and no matter how many locks I put on the door." I wish I could say that... is overcoming my fears a conscious decision? Is it something that I have any control over? Or is this just my lot in life... should I be content with that sick feeling in my stomach every time a sound outside is transformed into the sound of an attacker's footstep by my obviously overactive imagination? Geez, can't I put my mind to better use than just scaring the shit out of myself? I mean, I've lasted this long, and not once has the scary noise outside turned out to be an intruder of any kind... Only 15 more minutes till the sun comes up. And why is it that the sun suddenly dispels all fears? Can't I project my attitude towards the sun on some other object, like my pillow? Then I could be like, "Oh, it's cool. No need to be scared - my pillow's here." Ahhh, that would be so much easier! So anyway, I thought it would be all good tonight, since I haven't really had any big scares since I've been here (but three out of the 6 nights that I've been home I've been at Sarah's...). I was lying in the living room watching a movie (Phenomenon - a sappy flick cuz there's no drama or scary stuff at night... no need to be a catalyst to my stupid, stupid imagination) and I thought I heard a car door slam outside. My mom's house is completely by itself out here in the boonies, so if a car door slams, it's a pretty safe bet that the car is in the driveway. Anyway, I looked out the window (a huge step for me, cuz "what if I look out the window and somebody looks back at me?"), and of course there was nothing there. About a half hour goes by, and I swear that I heard two footsteps right outside on the walkway. That scared me so badly that I turned on all the lights and just stood by my mom's bedroom door, staring at the front door, ready to scream if I saw ANYTHING move. After about five minutes of standing perfectly still (except for the shaking, of course), I decided that it must've been my imagination again, so I laid back down. Then I heard another loud noise coming from the side of the house (this could very easily have been explained by animals, or a tree banging on something, or something rational like that, but I was still totally on edge)

!!! HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT MORE NOISES MORE NOISES I HATE THIS HOUSE I HATE THIS HOUSE !!!

Okay, woke up my mom again (I didn't get that far in my story, but I woke my mom up the first time after I heard the "footsteps" and the "man outside", and she stayed up with me for 45 minutes or so until I felt better - she's great), and my STUPID CAT!!! Freaking Boots was making a racket on the other side of the house, making me think she was an axe murderer or something. Anyway, to make a long story not so short, I'm basically afraid of everything at night, and I'd sleep a whole lot easier if I weren't.

2002-06-21T05:20:00.000-04:00

So I've known for awhile that love is a crazy, crazy, super powerful thing... but sometimes I forget. I forget because I haven't been in love in so long, and I forget because I'm not really surrounded by people in love. But Sarah and John are in love. It's hard for me to deal with, and hard for all of us to accept, but it's just the way that it is... Yesterday we were talking, and Sarah was telling me all the reasons why she never wanted to talk to John again, and how she was so happy to be home because she needed so badly to get away from him. But where are they now? Oh yeah, they're in her bed, just laying there together, cuz they're so happy to be with each other again. They've only been apart for like three days!!! So again I say: Love is a crazy, crazy, super powerful thing. They're so wrong for each other, but because they love each other, they'll keep trying to make it work. Marijeanne's gonna FREAK OUT when she finds out John's here... she's either going to find the nearest heavy, blunt object and try to beat him with it, or she'll just scream at him until she loses her voice. They have a mutual hatred, so at least his feelings won't be hurt when she goes attempted murder on his ass. It's so crazy to me that two of the strongest, most independent girls I've ever known, Sarah and my sister, can be in relationships like these... I never thought either of them would be the type to let a guy tell them what to do. Sooni always got so pissed at me when I would cry over the way that Jordan treated me... she would tell me that I was stupid for being like that and that I should just walk away. Now she finally understands that you're not the same person when you're in love... love makes you stupid and blind and weak. I don't want it to sound like I have this pessimistic attitude about love, because I don't... I just think it depends on the person you're in love with. Both people have to be stable and emotionally secure for it to be the kind of love that I want... I want to be blindly in love with someone, but not the kind that makes me weak. I don't think you're made weak unless you do nothing when you feel that you're being taken advantage of... and the next person I fall in love with would never take advantage of me. I don't want drama. Drama makes life interesting - that's the truth. But it also makes life so hard that it's almost not even worth it to be in love... those moments when things are wonderful can never fully make up for the times when you feel that your heart is being ripped out by the very person that you adore the most. So no more drama for me - I want to keep it simple. Everyone has to experience their piece of dramatic love before they can have the love that they truly deserve... that's what I'm forced to tell myself, anyway, since everyone I love (myself included) has either been through or is going through some sort of crazy relationship. Anyway, I'm totally and completely rambling and I don't think that I have a point... except that I can't believe that John's here... and I can't believe that Sarah just ate up his apology. Wait, I'm lying... I can believe both of those things, because people in love are so predictable. I love that and I can't handle that about them at the same time...

Vida, I'll call you tomorrow when I finally get back to my own house. I can't wait to hear all about the ZOO!!!

Hey cute boy - I miss you...

2002-06-21T02:26:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, still at Sarah's, and it's drama to your mama here at the Hodge residence. John showed up at the door a few hours ago... my reaction: HOLY SHIT! I can't believe he's here! So in order to cope with the present stressful situation, we went out and bought the workings of strawberry daquiris and are in the process of making them... ahhh, I don't think there's anything better than drowning your troubles in alcohol. Wait, I can think of way better things... like seeing you again... but, you're not here and the rum is... so I'm gonna drink it up (with Sarah's mom! The night just keeps getting crazier and crazier!!!) I haven't been home in two or three days, so I haven't really talked to my mom about Florida... except I know that she thinks we're driving. Ha! That's funny shit... maybe if our car had air conditioning, then maybe I'd think about driving there, but right now, it's out of the question (as if I have a say in it). The mosquitoes here are INSANE!!! I wish I could sit down and have a nice, civilized talk with them and say, "Listen, I know that you guys gotta eat, and I understand that your choice of cuisine just happens to be my blood. However, is there any possible way that you could stay away from my feet and my face?" And then they would politely reply, "Why yes, Erin. We can certainly manage that... it's an extremely reasonable request and we'd be happy to honor it." Ahhhh, if only the world were so simple...

2002-06-20T04:53:00.000-04:00

Didn't wake up until 4 this afternoon, and I think it's already bedtime... I'm a lazy piece of shit. But it's cool... that's what summer's for, right? I'm still at Sarah's house... considering our lack of transportation, I think I'll just end up living here for the next week or so, which is quite a daunting proposition... it's dirty here. She knows it, and she hates it just as much as I do... damn! I always forget how dirty this place is until I come back... the bathrooms are just plain gross, so we'll see what happens when I have to take a shower tomorrow... Anyway, I'm off to bed...

Hope you're having fun in Vegas - win some money and buy me some diamonds... haha

2002-06-19T07:40:00.000-04:00

Trip to SF and back was very successful... sooooo wonderful to be with my girls again. We haven't been together since Christmas... now if only Louisa and America were here, everything would be perfect. We stopped in Vacaville to have dinner with Sarah's mom, Joan Cabral, and Valerie Taresh (moms of boys I went to jr high and high school with)... they are freaking hilarious!

I don't understand... nobody's online except for Thomas, Jeff, and Joyce... where is everyone!?!

So for those who don't know, I figured I'd explain the name of my blog... first quarter of freshman year I found a note on the ground of my chem class that said: Bob-- The rash came back. Call soon. -- Sue. It was the funniest shit ever, and the first weird thing of many to go on our common area wall... Anyway, Ashlee just found it when we cleaned out our room - I thought she'd thrown it away last year. I just thought I'd share because I'm really, really excited that I still have it.

So I'm retarded... we took my mom's car down to SF on the condition that we let her use Marijeanne's car to get home from work. So we got back to my mom's house, went in and said hi, and then went to leave... we had to move Sarah's luggage from one car to the other, so I still had my mom's keys. Then we left... and when we got to Sarah's house (it's a 30-40 min drive from my mom's house to Durham) I realized I still had the freaking keys in my pocket. So Sarah and I had to drive ALL the way BACK to my mom's and give her the keys cuz she doesn't have any spares and she has to work in the morning (although, I think she could've just not gone... she has quit, after all). It's been a LONG day, and I really need to go to bed... but Hodge and I will probably stay up all night talking anyway.

Hey, my friends think you're cute too :)

2002-06-18T17:49:00.000-04:00

OMG - my mom quit her job! Looks like we're going to Florida!

2002-06-18T15:09:00.000-04:00

Why do I do this to myself? I didn't go to sleep until 6 this morning, and now I'm up at noon... I guess I'm happy that I'm up already, cuz at least I didn't sleep the WHOLE day away. Anyway, I bought The Eminem Show yesterday... my mom was appalled by some of it, and I think she was most horrified by the fact that I thought the whole thing is really funny.

I have to take a shower now before we leave to pick up Sarah from the airport (YAYYYYY!!!!!), but I just wanted to write down all my contact info for the people that don't have it. My # here is (530)934-9445, and my mom's living in the dark ages without an answering machine, so if it rings and rings, that means we're not here... You can write to erpark@ucsd.edu or erinsparkles@isellcars.com, or if you really think I'm great and you want to send me a real letter, my address is PO Box 1125 Willows, CA 95988.

Hey cute boy - have a good day... I'll be thinking about you...

2002-06-18T03:29:00.000-04:00

Sarah's coming home tomorrow! (Well, today, but you know what I mean...) I'm so freaking excited - Marijeanne and I are going to SF to pick her up from the airport - she gets in at 7:30. I haven't seen that girl in way too long - she needs to come live with me, I think.

I'm trying to get my room in order... it's still a bit scary, but with a lot of light and loud music, it's not nearly as bad. I got pictures developed today and I laughed my ass off - my friends are so funny.

Anyway...
Vida - things will look up for you, you know that. I know how you feel cuz we're both "homeless," but no matter where you are, you should have good friends... I'm in SD (well, I will be) and I love you... you know I want you to come back, but I also just want you to be happy. I hope that you can continue to find yourself in Seattle... we can learn and grow from every trial in our lives, and I think you need to use this time to your advantage. Learn as much as you can about yourself and the world, because pretty soon we'll be old and it'll be too late to do the things we really want to do... don't limit yourself. Be who you are, because you know you're wonderful. Don't let other people get in the way of your happiness. And most importantly, don't forget that I love you.

Marc - you are the best. Your e-mail made me cry... Thank you for the advice - I think I'll take it. I'll write you back soon...

Daco - if you read this, have fun and be safe this summer. I didn't really get to say goodbye, but I'll miss you. Good luck in your quest for fobbiness!

Norm - I never thought I'd so look forward to reading someone's profile every day... I can't thank you enough for making me feel so loved. There's so much I have to say, but the words just won't come... but it's okay. You know.

2002-06-17T02:59:00.000-04:00

I haven't smiled this much in a long time.

Thank you.

2002-06-16T17:56:00.000-04:00

We made it home alive! This may not seem like a big deal to some, but let me describe a bit of my nine hour ride of terror and perhaps you'll feel my pain. So the car was so completely packed that there was no possible way you could see out the back. This made it so that I had to stay awake the whole time (which was a HUGE struggle, by the way) and make sure my mom wasn't going to hit anyone/be hit by anyone on the right. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that the radio was on so loud (so we could sing and stay awake) that this is an example of a conversation leading up to changing lanes (keep in mind that we're both totally yelling): Mom: "Is it clear?" Me: "What?" Mom: "Is there anyone there?" Me: "No." Mom: "No, it's not clear? Or no, there's nobody there?" Me: Go! Go! Go!" Anyway, it's a good thing the trip didn't take a minute longer than it did bcause my mom was beginning to do away with all those little things that make driving fun. You know, things like staying in your own lane and gradually coming to a stop at stop signs instead of slamming on the brakes. But who needs that crap anyway? All in all, though, it was an okay trip - I really appreciate the fact that my mom drove all the way down one day and all the way back up the next day just for me. My mom is awesome - a hug from her can always make everything okay.

So I cried when I said goodbye to Ashlee yesterday - I'm so worried about her. She's been my roommate for two years - what if her new roommates don't like her or vice versa? Who's going to give her advice when she needs it (which is always)? Who's going to edit her papers and reassure her that her cheeks are NOT fat? Who's going to laugh with her about nothing until they fall asleep? I feel like more than her roommate, more than her friend - I feel like her mom. I'm so protective of her... yes, sometimes she's hard to live with, but overall I would never have picked anyone else to be my roommate for my first two years of college. I really love that girl. Roommates for life baby!

Friday night was awesome, and I really didn't want it to end because in the back of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about how I had to leave the next day. So I know that a lot can happen and change in three months, but I really, really hope that things can be the same when I go back to SD. Life is so unfair sometimes! Just when I get a chance... You say that you want me to have fun over the summer, and I will... but I'd rather have you here with me.

2002-06-13T03:32:00.000-04:00

So Aaron just left, and he said, and I quote, "I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing kisser." Can I point out that we haven't kissed since Sun God? That means that he has been thinking about how wonderful kissing me was for almost a month now! Yeah, I just wanted to write that down so I could remember it for a long time... whenever I'm feeling down about myself, I'll just remember that Aaron (and others, mind you) would testify in a court of law that I am an "amazing" kisser.

Time to study now...

2002-06-12T07:58:00.000-04:00

Only a few more days left here in SD, and I'm pretty sad about it. Just when I started to feel like I belonged again, I'm being uprooted and forced to go somewhere foreign. I think what's worse than being in a strange place is being in a strange place that used to be your home. When Home is no longer Home, it's a pretty depressing place to be. I don't want to go... I love my family and my friends who are still up in Chico, but it's not the same place where I grew up, and I still want it to be. I want to drive down the street and wave at every person who passes because I recognize their cars and they recognize mine. I want to go over to my best friends' houses every day, just to chill. I want to cruise downtown Chico with my girls, listening to Tom Petty blaring and laughing hysterically about nothing at all. I want to have a party at my house and have everyone smoke out in my room and sing Sublime songs at the top of our lungs. I want all of my boys to still be hard-drug-free... there was a time when I could look at them with love and hope with all my heart that they would do something with their lives, because there was still that possibility. Now it seems so hopeless for them, and I want to cry for them... but that won't do them or me any good. I still love them all, but it hurts me to see them destroy themselves slowly. I never would have believed that the boys I've grown up with would turn out so badly... they're all such great people, and so smart... it's just sad. I can't think of Chico and Durham as my home in the same way that I used to, but San Diego still isn't completely "home" to me either. So in a way, I'm homeless...

Anyway, I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow, but it's just the student health center, and they lick balls. I don't think they're even real doctors, which is disappointing when you consider that there's a med school and five million hospitals right here with state of the art technology and information. But do we get a piece of that action? Of course not - we're stuck with retarded "doctors" who tell me to buy a thermometer when I have laryngitis and pharyngitis instead of giving me antibiotics. Also, I'm supposed to hang out with Aaron tomorrow, and it's the first time I'll have seen him since he broke it off... I'm a little anxious, and I just hope that it's not weird. Every guy who breaks up with me says, "I still want to be friends," and then it never happens - he just disappears. As long as Aaron doesn't ditch me tomorrow, then he still has one-up on all the other guys.

Speaking of guys, I think that I should give up on them. Not because there aren't any good ones, or because I don't get any of the good ones, or because they're all assholes or anything like that. It's more like because I am just so confused... there are so manywonderful guys that I could totally like if I let myself, and I don't know how to pick just one. And what if the one that I pick doesn't like me back? And what if that ruins my chances with the others? And should I start something at home when I'll only be there for the summer? And should I start something in SD when I'll only be here for the first quarter of next year? I don't know!!! All I know is that I really want a hug, and I really want it from a guy who cares about me. That's all... just a hug... just a hug that's ready and waiting whenever I need it. I want a guy that I can just call up when I need someone to talk to - someone who's willing to listen to my stupid problems as long as I listen to his. I don't have that person, and I haven't for a really, really, really long time. I think I've waited long enough and gone through enough semi-serious-but-actually-stupid-relationships to last me the rest of my life. So boys, listen up! If you're ready to be the guy that I can call, and the guy who will give me a hug whenever I need it, just let me know. I PROMISE that I will be more than willing to reciprocate, and I PROMISE that you will not be disappointed.

So it's really, really late, and I guess I should go to sleep. I can't believe this year's almost over. Crazy madness. One final thought before I go: Who would ever think to name a children's character Grimace? Grimace is not a pleasant word in the least, yet the big purple McDonald's blob always seems to be happy... so his name doesn't fit his personality... so whose crappy idea was that? And, what the hell IS Grimace, anyway? I've asked numerous McDonald's employees (it was always a goal of the wrestling team to see how much shit we could give the crew of fast food places before we got kicked out... dude, I miss those days so much... donkey piles and van wars... the feeling that the team really was your family, because you don't go through that much shit with a group of people and not consider them your brothers), and they don't even know... Sometimes, I have so much to write, that I don't know what to write. Now is one of those times, and since I can't sit here and stare at the computer all night, I really have to get to bed... I'm gonna miss the safety of my bed here - my mom's house is scary.

2002-06-11T19:16:00.000-04:00

I really fucked up when I was home... Norm says something like, "I never regret the things that I've done, only the things that I haven't..." And that sounds all well and good in some situations. But sometimes, you really, really, really regret the things you've done. I surprise myself constantly - life in my head and my body is like riding an emotional and physical roller coaster, blindfolded... I have no idea where the turns are, where the loops are, and when the ride ends. Have you ever wanted to just go back in time and erase the stupid shit that you've done? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right about now. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but it's always in the back of my head... my conscience is SCREAMING at me, telling me how horrible I am and forcing me to rethink my entire existence. I suck... I don't want to go home and have to see everyone again, but life goes on, I suppose.

Isn't it funny how you can write and write and still say absolutely nothing at all?

2002-06-05T14:17:00.000-04:00

I'm going home today! Sooni graduates from high school tomorrow, and I know it sounds silly, but I'm really proud of her. I always thought it was weird when people were proud of others for graduating from high school, cuz it's kind of like - how hard is it? But I'm proud of her because it's like she's all grown up - I feel like she's my daughter. I know that she got the most attention from my mom, but I also feel like I played a big part in raising her - I'm so happy with the way she has turned out. True, many times I've wanted to up and kick her ass for being so bitchy, but when she's cool, she's soooo cool that it makes up for all of the bad times. Lately, though... I don't even know what to do about her. But is it my place to do anything? It has to be, right? Cuz I can't just sit by while she gets hurt, physically and emotionally. I've always protected her, and it kills me that I can't be there with her anymore to make sure she's safe. I wish she would move down here with me - if she would, then I would wait until the next year to go to South Africa. She needs to leave Durham - I wish that there were a bus that takes everyone away from that damned town right after graduation... like it would take you anywhere you wanted to go, as long as you went SOMEWHERE - Durham after high school is like a black hole that sucks you in and refuses to let you make anything of yourself or do anything with your life. Anyway, I just hope that I'm able to help Sooni when I go home... I love that girl, and she deserves to be happy. She's only 18, and she doesn't need stress like this... I'm gonna go home and make her have some fucking fun.

My voice might be coming back! I can squeak today, as opposed to the last two days when I could only whisper.

Steve, Norm, and Daco came over last night to eat my food, and Steve and Norm had the funniest conversation ever... I couldn't say anything at the time because it's hard to be sarcastic when you have no voice - you just can't convey the same attitude with a whisper. Anyway, they were discussing what would be the best way to be eaten alive... huh?!? Apparently, pirahnas would totally suck, but if an alligator bit into your head and snapped your neck, then it probably wouldn't be too bad cuz you'd die so quickly... those boys make me smile.

Marc brought me chicken soup and Annie brought me medicine - it was so sweet!

I have one more paper - due on Friday (10-15 pages, haven't started yet) and then only one final on Thursday. Then school's over... this year has gone by so freaking quickly - I can't even believe it. Even more incredulous is the miraculous aboutface that I pulled this year. At the beginning quarter I hated it here - I hated my life. All I wanted was to go home and hug my mom. I hate to be cheezy, but Alpha Phi Omega has been my saving grace. The people in my fraternity are the best around, and they showed me that I have a place at UCSD. They showed me that I am not just a nameless face in the crowd, but a person deserving of friendship and happiness. Honestly, some of the most wonderful people I've ever known are in APO. After joining, I felt more confident, happier, and more independent. I know that it's okay for me to be myself - people will love me anyway. Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this year - most of you don't even know how much you helped me, which makes me appreciate you all the more.

Stupid Sarah. Stupid Louisa. Fine guys - I didn't want to see you at all this summer anyway! I guess I'll just see you for a week at Christmas, and then it's off to South Africa and you won't get to see me for nine months... you guys suck. But I love you anyway.

I'm so tired. But for the most part, I'm happy. I just have to get this paper done and I'm home free. And I have to get my voice back...

2002-05-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

I suck.

2002-05-29T21:36:00.000-04:00

I found out yesterday that I am a "selectee" for the University of Cape Town in South Africa! I can't wait... I'm scared, but sooooo freaking excited.
Last night I went to the GBM, and then Marc came over in order to drown his sorrows in beer. I hope he's just overreacting when he says he may have flunked out of grad school - I can't even imagine what it would be like for him if he really did. Three years and thousands of dollars down the drain... Afterward, I went to karaoke with Jason B, Daco, Annie, Helen, Norm, Randall, Henry, and Steve - those guys are so much fun. It makes me happy to be included in their Tuesday Night Karaoke group...
Everyone's away messages (yes, I check them... yes, I'm a dork) lately have been so depressing! I wish there were something I could do to help everyone out, but I know that's kind of silly. I'm in Library Lounge, waiting for the Pledge Committee meeting to start - then I have a volleyball game, and then I have to write a 10-15 page paper on the sociobiological aspects of the Ten Plagues of Egypt and the Exodus of the Israelites. Yay... I bought NoDoz just for tonight, so it's all good.

2002-05-28T03:55:00.000-04:00

Banquet was really fun, and so was the afterparty - Francesco and I devirginized 5 people on the beer bong! So my question is this: what is it about now that has caused to me to be this big ho at parties? I mean, it's a known fact that I like to kiss people when I'm drunk - it's fun. But I went almost a whole year without hooking up with anyone in APO, so why start now? Is it that the people are more receptive? Or that I'm just realizing that I'm attracted to them? Or what? I don't want to make a bad name for myself, cuz I know how rumors fly... I need to be smarter about things, but I don't want to stop having fun either. Summer's almost here, and then I won't see anyone for a few months, which will suck... plus then I'll only have one quarter with them before I leave for S. Africa, so I want to have as much fun as possible in my time left here. Why am I like this though? Why do I love everybody? I always see all of the awesome qualities in people, and never any of the bad, causing me to love so many people... it doesn't even matter now because I'm leaving in three weeks, but everyone is so wonderful... I wish I could tell them how I feel when they're not drunk so that they'll remember. Would it make a difference though? Everyone has so much baggage, and what do I have to offer?

Ashlee and I watched "The Others" tonight, and I thought it was a really good movie. I like it when there's a big twist at the end. Anyone (which is everyone) who has never watched a scary movie with Ashlee, I definitely recommend it. She makes the movie five million times scarier because she screams and jumps at every tense part... normally I don't get really scared, but when I watch a scary movie with her I want to run to my bed and hide under the covers. We couldn't even watch the Exorcist a couple months ago - we had to turn it off because it was just too much for us to handle, and I've see that movie like ten times!

I had a dream about Paul Giffen last night... why does that boy haunt me?

Shit - I have two papers due on Thursday, one of which has to be 10-15 pages long... I repeat: SHIT!

I told my mom tonight that I'm going to S. Africa, and she took it pretty well. I think I knew that she would, and honestly I would have been upset if she had gotten mad - after all, she is supporting my brother's dropping out of college (he just finished his fourth year, by the way) to go to pilot's school. She's just worried about me, and she says that if she needs to come rescue me she wouldn't be able to afford it... I'm betting that I won't need to be rescued, but I guess you never know. I'm scared that I won't fit in, and I'm scared that I'll hate it there. I'm scared that I'll be all alone and nobody will be there to give me a hug and tell me that it'll be okay. I know it's normal to be afraid before you do something big like this, but I think it's a little soon for me to be worrying... I'm not leaving till February. Anyway, my mom's cute, cuz the first thing she said was, "But I don't even have a passport!" Even though she doesn't need one - I do - she decided that we'll go get them together just in case she has to make an emergency trip (that she can't afford) to Cape Town next year... I love my mom.

2002-05-25T03:36:00.000-04:00

So Aaron and I had a talk tonight and he decided that we should just be friends... I'm not sure how I feel about this. I saw it coming, and I kind of felt the same way, so I understand where he's coming from (except he obviously had a reason, but wouldn't share it). I'm disappointed that things didn't work out in the way that I had initially hoped, but also happy that I no longer have to doubt myself and our relationship. I don't know what this means as far as my feelings toward other people goes, but I suppose it can't hurt. All I want is for someone to appreciate me for all the little things that make me so unique, and I want that person to want to spend time with me. I don't know if that's asking too much, but I don't think it is. The real loss that I'm feeling is that Aaron was the first "good" guy that I ever dated. All of the others have been total assholes. I'm starting to think that a relationship with me is impossible, even though I feel that I've progressed by leaps and bounds emotionally. I feel that I'm a stable person who has so much love to give, and I don't understand why others wouldn't view me in the same light. I'm glad things with Aaron ended the way that they did, with mutual understanding and ultimately, friendship. Well, I hope there can still be a friendship anyway... I've had countless guys give me the whole "you're so cool, and I totally still want to be good friends" shpeal, just to see them disappear completely from my life in a matter of days. Aaron is an awesome person, he gives me new insight (which is always a good thing), and he makes me laugh. I just wish that I could be confident... I wish that nobody could ever make me doubt myself. On the surface, I can say that I am wonderful and that I'm deserving of a wonderful relationship, but I'm not sure that I believe that deep down. I want a guy to be so enveloped by my awesomeness that he is totally retarded over me. I have to be my optimistic self and think that everything will get better - that everything works out for the best in the end. But why is the road to happiness so hard? Why is it paved with broken glass and laced with salt that flows through my wounds and increases the horrific intensity of my pain?
All in all, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud for not crying, and I'm proud for not letting this setback toss me into a spiral of depression and self-loathing. There was a time when I wouldn't have gotten out of bed for days because of this. Even though I'm handling this quite well, and in what I would deem a healthy manner, it still makes me think that I am not worthy. But why? Why am I not worthy of love? Of somebody else's affection? Of somebody else's caring thoughts and actions?
All of this is just so confusing... I know it must be for the best, but what is "the best?" Is the best being with someone else? Is the best having nobody to turn to when I'm in dire need and further experiencing what it is like to be on my own? Is the best expressing my feelings of affection toward another? Is the best doing what I always do, which is absolutely nothing? I don't know... I wish someone were here to guide me through all of this... I wish my girls were here to tell me what to do.

2002-05-24T05:59:00.000-04:00

I'm soooo lazy, but at least I went to class today... we'll see if I wake up in time for class tomorrow. Aaron made me sign a paper promising that I would go to all of my classes or else he's allowed to scare me or something... it's so cute, he's like my mom. I think tomorrow night I'm going to hang out with him and his brother (who's gay), who is the funniest person alive. Then banquet on Saturday - yay!

2002-05-23T05:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, this is the third time I've changed my damn template in about five minutes... what I really need to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. But whenever I start to fall asleep I itch like crazy all over... weird... and totally annoying.

Sometimes I think I'm a horrible person. I'd really like for someone to tell me I'm not, but more than that, to tell my HOW I'm not. I don't think we tell each other how great we are enough... I try to tell my friends how wonderful they are whenever I can, and I think more people should do the same (with me... tell me I'm wonderful). Unless of course, I AM a horrible person, in which case I wouldn't want people to lie.

I'm totally rambling, and I'll stop now.

2002-05-23T05:11:00.000-04:00

I can't figure out how to change my template again... I'm retarded.

2002-05-22T07:09:00.000-04:00

I'm such a retard - I just wrote a whole bunch and then changed my template without posting first... thus losing everything. Anyway, it's been over a month since I wrote cuz I'm lazy like that. I'm still dating one of the Aarons, and things are going pretty well - kind of. I mean, he's totally wonderful and everything that I would ever want in a guy, but sometimes I think that he's not as into me as I would like him to be. After all, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me for everything that I have to offer? Let's face it folks - I'm wonderful. I'm not saying I'm going to stop seeing Aaron or anything, but I hate having to doubt myself or feeling inadequate when I'm not with him. When we're together it's great, but we only talk once or twice a week and see each other once a week... it's like we're in a long distance relationship or something. I want someone who wants to spend every minute with me - isn't that how it's supposed to be for at least the first month or so? I want someone who smiles when I walk into the room, someone who smiles when he merely thinks of me. Even though Aaron is awesome, it doesn't seem to be developing (on my side as well) into a full-on romantic relationship... I think maybe he'd be better as a good friend... but then again, he is soooo cute and I do really want to jump him whenever I'm with him. But then there is Sunday night to consider in the overall situation also, when I finally let myself do what I've wanted to do all year... Knowing me, I probably won't do anything about anything... I'm too lazy to take any sort of life-altering action.

I'm really worried about my sister - her situation is way more drama than mine, and I wish there were something I could say to convince her to get out of it. I just want her to be the same when I talk to her on the phone - I want to hear the excitement for life in her voice that has been there her whole life. Fuck Steve for robbing her of that - he's changing her into a zombie. She's not allowed to have friends or do anything she really wants to do, like be young and have fun. She's barely even allowed to talk to or see my mom anymore, and I know Sooni feels like she has no place to go. It's either stay with Steve or go back home with Mom - either situation looks dire for her. I really hope that when I go home, she'll be okay with coming back to Mom's house - maybe I can provide that comfort that I used to... I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I've failed her as a sister. I feel like my leaving home led to her demise. I know we fought, but I also know that I'm the reason that things weren't worse at home for a long time... as soon as I left her and Mom started fighting all the time. I feel like I haven't been a good enough role model for her. I feel like it's my fault that she's so alone now. I just want her to be happy. I want her to live with me. I want to protect her 24 hours a day and tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her smile. I want to laugh with her about stupid shit, and I want to give her a hug. I want to do the dishes with her, and I want to drive around town looking for something to do with her. I just want to be there. I just want her to be here. I want her to realize that she is beautiful inside and out, no matter what her shitty ass boyfriend makes her think. Only two weeks till I go home to tell her all of this...

I'm gonna go smoke now, even though it's 4 in the morning, because writing about Aaron and then my sister put me in a shitty mood... nicotine is my best friend sometimes.

2002-04-18T23:04:00.000-04:00

I have a date tonight! Well, probably... he's supposed to call before 8:30 or 9, and it's already 8... So we'll see. But it's all good, cuz if this doesn't work out, I have another date tomorrow night! And both guys are named Aaron! Too weird... and totally confusing.

If anyone knows who tamihawkindian43 on AIM is, please let me know... he/she left the rudest reply in my guestbook on my subprofile, and it totally crushed me. Apparently strangers think I suck! What's up with that?

I haven't talked to any of my best friends or my mom or anyone in a few days... I'm feeling kind of lonely here. Sarah needs to give me her new address - I got her a bombass birthday/Confirmation present.

Saves the Day Rocks (are hard) on May 2!!! Get Up Kids on May 30!!!

2002-04-15T05:37:00.000-04:00

Woo hoo! $300! Now I'm seriously addicted... if it wasn't before, it could be a serious problem now. Anyway, I think that at the beginning of the quarter, something happens where guys who think I'm great come out of the woodwork. But then around the middle of the quarter, they all just disappear... what's up with that? And why do I like guys named Aaron? It's been a lifelong trend for me, and I just met two the other night... so weird.

I went to Audiotistic on Saturday - it was so much fun. People are so dirty, though... there was an insane amount of litter at the end of the night. Trash cans, people!

I'm too tired to write more - I have to get up at 8:30 for class... I guess I should take a shower too. We'll see about that, though.

2002-04-12T04:06:00.000-04:00

I think that I have a gambling problem... I just spent about $100 in the span of an hour. I'm going to win about $200, so yeah, that's profit, but for awhile there it was looking like I wasn't going to win anything... but I just kept spending anyway. It would be okay if I had money to spend, but I totally don't... I'm going to end up homeless, begging people to let me use their computers so that I can play just one game of solitaire - just one more, I promise! It's like last year when I took a bus to Vegas to visit my best friend, Louisa... on the way back, there was a guy who wouldn't shut up about how he was going to see the Price Is Right. I think that he spent his last few bucks on the bus ticket and was hoping with his heart of hearts that he was going to win big on the show... too sad. The saddest part is that I'm totally going to end up like that.

I'm supposed to be reading for my ETHN 188 class at 10 tomorrow - I'm going to look like an idiot when I have absolutely nothing to contribute to the discussion. Prof: "So, Erin, what did you think about what Lincoln and Mamiya have to say about the denominational distinctions and how they applied to the Great Migration?" Me: "Ummmm... ummmm... ummmm... I think they were right?" But I guess even when I do read I have nothing to contribute to the discussion... why can't I take a class on the hazards of internet gambling? I know firsthand about that! Or maybe a class about girls and the winners that they choose to date? I think I could teach that class...

I saw the Toys R Us commercial today with ET and Geoffrey... that commercial makes me happy.

I miss my friends... I feel like I have nobody to talk to anymore. Not that I have tons of stuff to talk about, but you know how sometimes, you just want to call someone and laugh about nothing? or cry about nothing? or whatever? I feel like I don't have that someone anymore... everyone's so busy that I never can get a hold of them. I feel like my problems aren't as big as everyone else's, rendering them inconsequential. As far as magnitude of problems go, Sarah and John win hands down - I can, by no means, compete with them.

I think that this Blog thing is going to turn me into a public whiner... I'm not so sure I'm down with that.

2002-04-12T01:40:00.000-04:00

So here is my attempt at rationalizing my crazy life. When I'm being not so self-centered, I can step back and realize that my life is not all that crazy - it's actually quite normal. But then I start thinking about all the crazy shit that's going on, and yeah, that's when I start getting super confused. I will continue this discussion after I do a whole bunch of other worthless shit...

I like how my ramblings always sound super intelligent...