My feet hurt... but at least I didn't have to spend the entire day with my boring ass trainer guy... and at least I never have to spend an entire day with him again! So this is shitty - my family's going camping in Key West on Tuesday and they'll be gone till Sunday. I was hoping to have a few days off during that time so I could drive down and spend some time with them there. But of course, I have this Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off, then work the whole rest of the week. That means I'll be home alone for so freaking long! Aaaaahhhh! In a normal world, this would make me happy, and I would throw a party, and my friends would come over, and we would laugh (cuz, you know, that's what friends do)... but in my stupid, stupid world, I will be home all by myself. I will have to sleep in an empty house. Does anyone else realize that I've NEVER done that before? Is anyone else worried that I CAN'T do that? Because I am... I'm really, really worried. I'm worried that I'm gonna freak myself out and get really scared that someone's gonna break into the house and there will be absolutely nobody that I can call to come over and stay with me, or even call to tell them what's going on. I seriously can't be alone... I don't know what I'm gonna do. I wish I knew someone who had a dog, and then I could borrow the dog for awhile... or I wish Lucas and Bosley were attack rabbits... Okay, I'm not gonna think about it till Tuesday...

Instead, I'll just think about my boy. He's wonderful, and if I weren't me, I'd be really jealous of me. I seriously can't believe my luck. Other than the fact that I'm like 3000 miles away from him, he is perfect... He stays awake every night just so he can talk to me online and tell me to have a good day before I go to work in the morning - that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. I know a lot of people say that, like "Wow, that's the sweetest thing ever!" But this is different, because it's not only the sweetest thing, it so far surpasses any other remotely sweet thing that any other guy's ever done for me that I almost cried when he told me he wanted to do it. I feel like crying now... before he came along I used to tell myself that I deserved a really great guy, someone who would treat me like a queen and love me and all that fairy-tale stuff... now that I have the most wonderful guy in the world, I'm not so sure that I deserve him. I think about all the shitty things that I've done in my life and all the things that I really don't like about myself, and I wonder why he would ever even look at me. But then when I wake up at 7:30 in the morning, and I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 or 2 because I was tossing and turning, and I have a fat ass crick in my neck, I go over to the computer, turn it on, and sign onto AIM. And then I see his name. And everything's automatically all better. It doesn't matter to me that I'm tired, or that my neck hurts... all that matters is that he's there. Deep down I know that I deserve to be this happy, but I think on the surface I'm just scared because if I feel this wonderful when I talk to him online every morning, how's it gonna be when I actually get to see him every day? I think I might explode with joy... so I guess that's what I'm really worried about: exploding. You know, spontaneous combustion? I'm gonna have to watch out for that...

Mushu Park: Tell Steve to keep his hands to himself, cuz you're mine!
PuMpKinEsCoBaR55: yes ma'am
PuMpKinEsCoBaR55: i am

My first day of work is tomorrow at 9:30 in the morning... I haven't had a full-time job in two years, and the last one was so beyond shitty. After three days of working, I came home and cried to my mom, saying I hated working and I was in sooo much pain and blah blah blah... I don't think this one will be nearly as bad, but I'm still not used to being on my feet for eight hours straight. That's gonna be tough... but all in all, I'm pretty excited. Actual human interaction outside of this house! So anyway, I'm going to bed early tonight... which is something I haven't done in God knows how long. But I think it'll be easy since my cousins woke me up around 9:30 today and shoved a bleeding rabbit in my face... that woke me up pretty effectively, and as a result, I'm already tired enough to go to bed now.

Thinking of you always...

So I am officially in love with the medieval-looking contraption that peels and cores apples. Now that I've discovered the joys of this invention, I think I could live solely off of apples for a good week or so... I am so freaking weird. I was depressed and pathetic all day, and then I come across the apple machine, and I'm overcome with joy! Yep, I'm retarded...

When I stop to think about it, I realize that I am almost always in control of the remote, and more often than not, I get to watch what I want to watch on TV. Sometimes I feel bad about this and think that I'm being selfish, that maybe other people want to watch stuff too. But today it dawned on me why I'm usually in the controlling position when it comes to program selection - because everyone else in my family sucks at it. I swear, they take freaking forever to choose something - staring at each set of info for a good twenty minutes before moving on to the next (we have Dish, so it shows info for four channels at a time on the guide). Then when they finally do choose something to watch, it's bound to be shitty... My frustration was so sky high that I actually had to leave the room - if I had stayed, I think I might've hurt someone...

So I was watching this thing on Cheng and Eng, the famous Siamese twins from the 1800's. From middle age until they died, Cheng (I think it was Cheng, anyway... it might've been Eng... nevertheless, it was only one of them) had a drinking problem. Okay, can you imagine having someone attached to you who's drunk all the time? I mean, really - think of the practical problems that would arise... he'd be bound to puke on you every once in awhile, and once in awhile is way too much for me... he'd be stumbling and falling down when you're trying to walk or work (they were farmers when they retired from the circus)... he'd be passed out when you wanted to get up to go to the bathroom! Dude, that would totally suck! And then, when they were old, Cheng was the first to die... okay, can you imagine that? Eng died something like a few hours later (of a broken heart, like old couples who've been married for 70 years - I totally want to be like that), but still... for at least a few hours he was attached to a dead person. A DEAD PERSON!!! ATTACHED TO HIM!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's just too insane to imagine...

Today was such a shitty day. Nothing happened to make it shitty, it just was. I feel worthless here - I do nothing all day long. I feel trapped in this house, but I have nowhere to go. I'm so unhappy here... I tried to have a positive attitude about moving to FL, I really did. But it's just not cool anymore. I have no privacy whatsoever here - it's not that I don't have my own room... that doesn't really bother me. It's more that I'm always here and so is everybody else! My aunt's the only one who ever goes anywhere.. other than that, it's my mom, Kyle, Scott, and me... chilling here at the house... ALL THE TIME. At the same time, even though I feel like I can't escape people, I'm so alone. Yeah, I just feel really alone. And today, I just really felt like not being lonely... but that's kind of impossible when there's nobody here. I really hope that all of this changes on Tuesday when I start working.

It's killing me that I can't be with you babe - I miss you so much.