Wow, it's been three or four days since I last blogged... Perhaps I'm easing myself off of all of my addictions. I ran out of money on the internet gambling, so no more of that (if any of my credit cards were good, I'd totally still be playing). I've stuck religiously by my one-clove-per-day rule, and I don't think it will be a problem at all to quit when the pack is through - each one I smoke seems grosser than the one before. I have a hard time with doing things that I don't want to do, or things that I do not choose to do. So I was kind of worried about quitting smoking because, honestly, I like smoking. And the thought of quitting when I didn't want to, or when it wasn't really by choice, but more because of my situation here... well, I didn't think I could do it. But now that I'm only smoking one per day, I don't really see myself wanting any more once this pack is finished. So now I'm only really addicted to my blog... and not writing for three or four days - that's a big break from blogging... Hmmm, this could spell trouble...

So I start my new job on Tuesday - I'll be a salesperson in the Men's dept of JCPenney. I'm working at the mall! I'm pretty stoked, since it only took me two days of looking for a job to land one... even if it does pay almost (and we're talking pretty damn close to) nothing. At least it will give me something to do, and maybe it will help me meet people too. AND, school here starts super early, like August 9 or something like that, so back-to-school sales are all over the place, and I get a 20% discount on stuff in my store... Shopping Spree! Well, no, not really... all the money I make has to go to a car and paying bills... but I'm trying to be optimistic!

Living here is very boring - I feel like a big piece of shit since I do nothing all day, but I know that it doesn't matter where in the country I live, I'm still gonna be a big piece of shit and do nothing all day. So I can't really blame that on Florida. I miss my boy... I miss SD music - The Classified, Three Last Words, maybe even Counterfit... no, probably not them... I miss being able to breathe without really knowing that you're breathing - the air here is way too thick... I miss partying - nobody here to party with, nobody here my own age... I miss being in a familiar place and seeing familiar faces... I'm dramatic - I can do this. It's not that long - I'll survive... once it's over, I'll wonder what this big deal was - well, I hope it'll be like that anyway...

I think I use the "..." too much when I type - does anyone else feel this way? Does it bother you? If so, let me know, and I'll try to tone it down a bit...

Smile cute boy - I had a dream about you last night... We were so happy to see each other and to just be with each other. I didn't want to wake up.

So after hanging out with my cousins for a few days, I came to the realization that I have been laboring under a delusion for a long time. This whole time, I thought I was really clever when I was little. When I would pretend to feel a certain way and it seemed like my mom believed me, she was really just avoiding arguing with me. When I cleaned my room and stuffed everything under my bed, my mom knew, but I thought I had really outsmarted her. When I pretended to be asleep when I really wasn't, and she knew, I thought she was psychic... how else would she have known the truth? My cousins are the worst actors, and I know exactly what they're thinking, because I used to think the exact same thing. When Scott cries fake tears because Kyle accidentally hits him, I remember how I used to do the same thing to get attention. I was a retarded little kid... and it's taken me this long to realize it. Moms always tell their kids that they can't wait until they have children of their own, because then they'll understand. It's only taken me five days of hanging out with kids that are not my own to apologize to my mom for being such a pain in the ass.

But cutest thing ever: Kyle and Scott are drawing up floor plans for a house that they're going to build when they grow up. They want our entire family to live there. This house is not in the shape of a Zoid, as I'd previously thought, but it does have a large Zoid warehouse that can be transported to other parts of the world so that our Zoids can battle with other people's Zoids. Too cute...

My sister is an endless fountain of worry for me... but that's all I can do, is worry. There is nothing I can do to help her besides let her know that I love her and that I will always be right by her side. She has to make her mistakes - she has to suffer her own consequences. Most importantly, she has to learn to take responsibility for her actions... she has a lot of growing up to do, a lot of maturity to gain. I don't envy her situation at all... but I'll be here through it all, cuz I love the girl. And not just cuz she's my sister, but because really, even if she doesn't know it, she's an awesome person. She's one of those people who lights up a room with her nonstop laughter, the kind of person that everyone knows because she loves to meet new people. She is funny and so energetic that it makes you tired just watching her do her thing. In this way, she reminds me of Helen... only I think Helen is genuinely friendly and kindhearted. Sooni, on the other hand, is sometimes only nice to people in order to get something from them... not everyone, and not all the time... she's not a bad person, but she can be extremely manipulative. She knows how to get what she wants... the only problem is that right now, she doesn't know exactly what she wants. She doesn't know how to be happy with herself, and she won't listen to anyone who wants to help her... so the drama continues...

I started my job search today... I'm trying to be optimistic because I have to be. If I don't get a job, then I'll have no money. If I have no money, then I'll have no car. If I have no car, then I'll be a bum and have to depend on people for rides, and I HATE that. It's my turn to be DD dammit - I feel so bad that the responsibility never rests on me. Anyway, also, if I don't get a job, then my chances of meeting people my own age plummit to infinitesimal levels, and I will be doomed to be a dorky, sober loner for the rest of the summer.

I went to Wal-Mart around 11pm to buy Kyle some ear drops, and when I came out, there was a guy leaning against his car (which was next to mine) and he had four girls surrounding him. I'm sure he probably felt like a pimp, because it was obvious that all of the girls wanted him... but I just wanted to let him in on what was obvious to me: that he was pimpin it in the Wal-Mart parking lot... They were the first people I've seen that looked remotely my age the whole time I've been in Florida, but if acting stupid and ditzy in front of guys in the Wal-Mart parking lot is what girls around here do at night, then maybe I'm better off just chilling with the rabbits.

Another Wal-Mart story... I got in my car, turned it on, and decided that I didn't want to back out of the space because there was nobody in front of me, so I put it in first and started going forward. CRASH! I forgot that there was one of those concrete space blockers in front of me, and the front tires went over it, leaving the rest of the car to crash down onto it... So I sat with my head in my hands for a good two minutes thinking, "OMG, I'm dead. My mom is going to kill me. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this Wal-Mart parking lot forever, listening to these four girls drone on and on about how 'So she called me a fat whore, and I was like, excuse me? If anyone's fat, it's you.' (which was actually kind of funny because she didn't deny the whore part...)" So then I got out of the car and assessed the situation. If I went forward more, I would have to go over another one of the concrete blocks, so it looked like my best bet was to put the car in reverse and let her rip... before I had a chance, the pimpy guy came over and asked if I needed some help. I think his harem was a little upset by this, because they ran over and started bombarding him with questions about why one of their numbers was in his cell phone, but the other three were not. Anyway, so I backed up the car, and after three tries, the tires went back over the block and I was on my way. So thankfully, nothing was damaged, because it was quite a possibility since my mom's car is so low to the ground. Yeah, so that was my bit of excitement for the day...

Hey cute boy, it was good talking to you last night... I'm trying to be content seeing you online and talking on the phone, but I guess I'm just really greedy - I want you here with me... or I want to be there with you... it doesn't matter. As long as we were together, I wouldn't even care if we were back at the ice cream-less Dairy Queen in Arizona. God, I miss you so much it's driving me crazy, and it's only been a week since I last saw you. I honestly haven't felt this way about anyone in so long - I forgot how good it feels to really long to be with someone, because even though it kills you not to be with them, at least you know that you have someone. I know that when I'm thinking of you, you're thinking of me too, and even though I can't see you, just that knowledge makes life so much better... it helps me get up and face the day, because every day that I endure without you brings me one day closer to the next time I'll see you. How much I miss you scares me sometimes, because in all honesty, we don't know each other all that well... but I do know how I feel when you hold me. And I do know how my heart jumps when you look at me. And I do know how I smile when I hear your voice or read your words, or even just think about you (with your shirt off :P). And I guess really, that's all I need to know. You are wonderful, and I can't believe how lucky I am that you are mine. I must've done something right in my life to deserve your attention... Oh btw, I told my cousins how you like Zoids too, and they wanted to know which one is your favorite...

My Play-Doh party wasn't nearly as cool as the sticker party I had last night... I'm completely uncreative. Although I did fashion some lovely haircuts for some little plastic people who came into my salon, and I also made some lovely ice cream sundaes... I am SUCH a dork!

Lilo and Stitch was so freaking cute! I love Disney... so hardcore...

My life is boring.

My cousins are soooooo spoiled! I love them to death, but my GOODNESS! They have every toy they could possibly want, not to mention costumes, art stuff, movies, computer games... you get the picture. Also, they are the pickiest eaters EVER, and everyone just puts up with it. My mom and I have decided to make it our mission to put a stop to this, because seriously, if they had it their way, I'd be in the kitchen 24/7 fixing them their meals. The other day my grandma made a whole bunch of food - ravioli, tamales, rice, and stew (a very eclectic meal, for sure) - and the only thing the boys would eat was the rice. She had to make ham separately for Scott, and fish sticks for Kyle. I couldn't believe it! She's old, she's tired... and she puts up with that shit?!? Let me tell you, my kids are going to eat what they're given, that's for damn sure, or they won't eat at all. These boys get away with so much shit - they're going to be hell when they get older, and my aunt will have no one to blame but herself. But yeah, just these few days with Scott and Kyle have made me extremely grateful that I don't have kids of my own yet. I am NOT ready to commit to something that huge (and at times, SOOOOOO annoying!). I love my cousins - they're awesome kids... but I'm just happy that I get to do my own thing at the end of the day, even if it is building Play-Doh cities by myself...

Nothing has changed. I miss you so much it hurts. You know how sometimes when you wake up, it takes you a minute to realize where you are and what's going on? Even then, in the midst of my confusion, all I can think about is you... I wonder why you're not next to me, and when you will be again. I wonder what you're doing, and I know that no matter what it is, you're lookin oh so cute doing it... It really is so beautiful here (even if it does rain every afternoon), and I wish you were here to share it with me.