Shit! I forgot that I have to have a copy of my passport to the Study Abroad office by August 1... I don't have a passport to make a copy of!!! And if I want to get it in time, I have to pay sixty extra bucks! Shitty! I don't know where this money is going to come from... I have to talk to my mom, but I don't want to bother her - she's already so worried about money... Shitty! Okay, think happy thoughts... like getting to see my sister tomorrow... like getting to see my boy in a week... like Celestino's pizza... like porn... whoops! Did I just write that? hahaha... okay, another smoke break, and if you're not online by then, I just gotta go to bed...

I'm at the house Marijeanne's housesitting again - we just got finished watching Billy Elliot. I love that movie. I get chills at the end every time I watch it. The people who live in this house have a dog named Molly, and she's one of the sweetest dogs ever. She smiles! I love dogs that do that. I can't wait to get a dog of my own.

So I was outside smoking, and the only thing to read in this house was a cheezy book called "I Hope You Dance." It's one of those inspirational little books that you buy for people when you don't really know what else to get them, and this one is based on Leeann Womack's song. Anyway, it was actually pretty cute, and there are a few things I wanted to write down so I don't forget...

"What would you be without hope
growing deep in your bones,
thriving in every inch of you?
NOTHING.
What does it take to hope?
EVERYTHING."

"If you're ever lying on a beach with
80 billion* grains of sand beneath you,
700 thousand* ocean waves before you,
60 million* stars stretched out above you,
and you're still not at all impressed,
I want you to think about this:
The light you see reflecting from the stars is over one million* years old.
WOW.
But then, just before you start to feel like a mere blip
in the gigantic scheme of things, please remember this:
Yes, you are small, but you're also irreplaceable
and invaluable
and miraculous.
Those stars don't have anything on you.
(*all numbers grossly underestimated)"

So now I'm waiting for you to come online. I miss you.

So I'm watching Maury Povich (cuz after all these years, I still can't get enough of talk shows), and a man and his daughter have just been reunited after 31 years. I usually tear up during these reunions, but this time, I was bawling... I couldn't help but think about my own father. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, and if he ever wants to see me again. But would I want to see him again? I don't think so, because I don't know if I can ever forgive him for the things he did to my mother and my brother and sister and me. But why is life so unfair? Why didn't I get to have a dad when I was growing up? At the time, I thought of my stepfather as my dad, but where is he now? And when I think about the years that he lived with us, I can count on one hand the number of times he showed an interest in my life. He couldn't even remember my birthday, and I was supposedly his favorite. I try not to think about it... I don't make a big deal out of it. Most people don't know how hard my life has been because I don't show it, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me because of it. Even though it's been hard, I know that I have no right to complain. Some people have it so much worse than I do. I have my mom, who's awesome, and friends and family who love me. But I can't help but think about the void in my life that could've been filled by a father. I'm too old now - that part of my life will never be complete. All I can do is make sure that the father of my children will be someone who will not leave - that's the least I can do for my kids. I know what it's like to feel like you weren't good enough for your father to want to stick around, and I would never, ever put my kids through that. Even though there's nothing I can do about my situation, I can't help but be sad. I wish I had a father to walk me down the aisle when I get married... I wish I had had a father who was protective when I started dating... I wish I had had a father who loved me. Now that I've gotten all this depressing stuff out of my system for the time being, I'm going to try to forget about it again. It's hard to think about it all the time - it's easier to just pretend like the problem doesn't exist, like it doesn't hurt me. I know I can't run away from my problems, but there's nothing I can do about this one except not think about it.

I'm soooo tired, so I'm off to bed already. I tried to wait up, but the floor is calling my name. I'm going to pass out to the sounds of Dirty Dancing (one of the greatest movies ever). I'll be dreaming about you, though.

Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here
You're mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float on air
The nightingale sings gentle lullabyes
So let me close my eyes
And sleep, perchance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this
So let the moon
Shine softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
He'll dream of me
(This is Kirsten Dunst's song in Get Over It, which is a highly underrated movie - Martin Short is freaking hilarious in it... anyway, if you can be cheezy and cute with a song, so can I, cuz this one is very fitting.)

I was about to write - "Wow, I can't believe I didn't post anything yesterday." But then I realized that I not only posted yesterday, I posted twice! I think I'm going crazy...

Anyway, yesterday I saw Leah for the first time since I've been home. She's changed a lot, even since I saw her when I was home during Spring Break. I can't say what's different exactly... I was going to say it's her priorities, but now that I think about it, they've always been a little outta wack. I don't know - all I know is that she's different, and I don't like it. I still love the girl, but I wish she could be plain old Leah, the one with the attitude, the one with the crazy clove habit who loved to drive and smoke (she had a fake ID made so that she could buy cloves before she was 18... she's the only person I know who ever had to do that - everyone else could support their minimal habit by having people buy for them, but she smoked so freaking much that she could never find enough people over 18... hahaha), the one who used to call me every other week to pick her up down the street from her house because she was running away, the one who loved me and loved our friendship... more than wakeboarding or the lake or superficial Oroville people. I've always been patient with her, and I will continue to be, because 'patience is a virtue for which we should all strive.'

I just watched the Neverending Story, and I was noticing the little Disney symbol in the corner with an 800 number to subscribe to the channel... that means that we recorded that movie so long ago. I think we were still living in Pennsylvania... it's crazy how some things just stand the test of time...

So I went to the eye doctor today, and every year the dr. tells me something different. Before my vision was the same in both eyes, then last year I had an astigmatism in my right eye, and now I have an astigmatism in both eyes... he wants me to get special contacts. Oh, and I have a scar on my cornea, too... and I think he thought I was lying when I told him I didn't know where it came from. Why would I lie!?! I wanted glasses, but the insurance company sucks and said they only pay for frames every other year, so I have to wait until October of 2003. But that doesn't make any sense because the last time I got new frames was senior year, which was... oh, what? Two years ago? I love that this is my problem... that I can't get new glasses yet. It could be so much worse!!!

I finished The Stand tonight! That was a long ass book, but it was really good... except I didn't like the ending very much. So there's this bad guy, Randall Flagg, that the good guys are against, and it talks about him the whole entire book. He's really a demon, but he takes the shape of a man and is the head of the bad people in Las Vegas after this big superflu wipes out most of the human population. At the end (close your eyes if you're planning on reading the book), he DOESN'T DIE! Call me simple, or whatever, but I like HAPPY endings! When it's good vs. evil, good is always supposed to triumph, even in Stephen King books. I realize that he's a demon, and even if he did die, he'd just go back to hell and then probably return to do his evil stuff on earth again, but it's the principle of the thing, you know? It was so unceremonious the way that the bad people were wiped out. There was all this buildup, and then an A-bomb just goes off and destroys Las Vegas, but Flagg DISAPPEARS right before it goes off! That's BS! All of the bad guys (except THE bad guy) were destroyed in about three paragraphs... it reminded me of a paper I'd write when I'm running really, really short on time so I just write a two or three sentence conclusion. So Flagg should've died, that's all I'm saying. Other than that, the book was awesome... but a bad ending kind of stays with you more than the rest of the book, no matter how great it was. Oh well, on to Turtle Moon, which Marijeanne is making me read before I leave. And I have to get a book (or two or three) for the road - I was thinking about The Brothers K, Valley of the Dolls, or Bonfire of the Vanities. It has to be something well-known because I try to alternate my reading between award-winning type stuff and not-so-award-winning-but-still-good stuff.

Hey cute boy! I miss you! I haven't talked to you for two whole days now... So you say you're scared shitless because you're worried that a lot can change in two months? No worries, babe - you're not alone. I do this retarded thing where I make up situations in my head, and they always take crazy paths and are extremely irrational, but the one I've been going over in my mind lately is when I get to SD next Saturday. I run up to hug you, and you act really weird... then you tell me that you made a mistake, and that you didn't mean to say all those things to me... that you changed your mind, and I should just forget everything you said. So that's the worse case scenario, I suppose... but being scared that this is just a wonderful dream that I will soon have to wake from is always in the back of my mind. I want you to have fun this summer too - I would hate to think that I hold anybody back from anything they want to do (and it sounds like you are having fun, keeping up a drinking streak - I'm totally jealous! I've been painfully sober since I got back!). So let's make a deal - I'll try not to worry about it if you try not to also. Two months is a long time, but there's nothing either of us can do to make the time any shorter. Worrying doesn't help anything, so let's try to be confident in each other. Just know that I miss you, and I've missed you since the day I left. With the way things are going, I can't imagine anything being any different at the end of the summer. If I had the least bit of doubt, I'd tell you, because I would never want you to wait around all summer if I didn't mean the things I say with all of my heart. Not that I want you to "wait around" now, but you know what I mean... So Hakuna Matata, and smile cute boy (and then you say, "Yes ma'am")...

I took some cough syrup (the good kind, with codeine), cuz I finally picked up my prescriptions... yes, I'm STILL sick! Anyway, I think it's starting to kick in, and I'm about to pass out... so later...

My eyes hurt... maybe I should take my contacts out more often. It has just occurred to me that I'm totally addicted to my blog... I started writing a post with the sole purpose of telling the world that my eyes hurt. I didn't think it would happen to me... but I've been sucked in by the blog. It's all good, though, cuz Marijeanne's mom is cooking up some grub tonight, and I haven't eaten anything today but Kraft Singles!

So, if you'll note the time down at the end of this post, you'll see that it's only 10 am. And now you're wondering, 'What the hell is Erin doing awake at such an early hour? It's summertime! Wait... she sleeps well into the afternoon no matter what time of year it is!' And all I can say is, I've finally done it. I've defied the laws of sleep. I'm going on who knows how many days of watching the sun come up... and apparently my body no longer requires sleep. I'm so not tired, and I haven't slept since yesterday... so what does this mean? Well, it could mean that I could accomplish twice as many things in my day as the average sleeping person. But then we have to take into account that I have absolutely nothing to do all day, so what exactly can be accomplished? It could mean that I'm going to have the darkest, ugliest circles under my eyes... yep, that's pretty much a guarantee. It could mean that I'm going to watch every movie we have in the house before we leave for Florida in 11 days... except for Autumn in New York - God, I hate that movie. Oh, and anything with Arnold Schwarzeneggar... he bugs the hell out of me. But Buffy the Vampire Slayer? O Fo Sho! And The Neverending Story? Damn Straight!

Yeah, so nothing to do, nothing to do... except I'm almost done with The Stand. I can't really put it down, which is also a reason why I didn't sleep. Even if I had been tired, I think I would've kept on reading. On a side note, reading Stephen King books at night out in BFE isn't the smartest thing in the world when you're already scared shitless of every little thing that goes bump in the night. Perhaps my extensive King collection is even the source of my irrational fear of the dark...

Anyway, tomorrow, I do have something to do, which is pretty exciting. Well, the actual thing isn't exciting, cuz it's only an appointment with an optometrist... but the fact that I'll be leaving the house and going into town - into CIVILIZATION!!! - is pretty freaking cool. I miss PEOPLE!!! There are no people here except my mom and this scary farmer who's outside right now... I want to lay out, but he's out there, and I don't know what the big deal is, but I seem to be hiding from him.

Hey Delena! Thanks for feelin me on my blog! Glad to know I'm not alone in the world of dramatic love... and also ecstatic to know I'm not crazy in thinking my house is scary!

"It's like my mother always told me: "reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee reenee." - Eminem - "My Dad's Gone Crazy"... hahahahaha - I laugh my ass off every time I hear that part :D

My sista's going to a week long orientation for Chico State today... wow, I can't believe my little sister is in college. Blows my mind. Time flies when you're not paying attention... and that is why... I'm going to try to appreciate my life more. I want to make every day count. This sounds kind of contradicting to what I said earlier, about how I have nothing to do all day. But that's not really what I mean. While I'd love to be more productive, the fact of the matter is that right now it's not the greatest of possibilities. When I get to FL, sure, I'll have tons of stuff to do. But right now, I'm kind of bored... But anyway, making every day count, yeah... I already tell the people I love that I love them when I see them and when I leave them. It's important to me that they know how much they mean to me (plus my fear of death, not so much mine as much as theirs, is allayed with this practice). But more than just telling them that I love them, I want to appreciate them. I want to appreciate every single second that I have to spend with them, because time flies... people grow older and things change. I want to notice them getting older and the things changing. I want to be able to remember every second that I have with them. I want to actually appreciate the sunrise, instead of just acknowledging its existence as the method of disposing of the night and my fears. I want to walk around this beautiful countryside and drink in the "countriness" of it all... how lucky am I that I get to live in two completely opposite places? Shouldn't I take advantage of that? Shouldn't I LOVE that? There's just SO MUCH that I take for granted in my life, like time with my sister and brother... I can't keep holding this grudge against my brother. He's in Arizona, fighting a fire... what if a mistake was made, and his crew didn't get out of an area in time? Would I have to live my life knowing that the last time I saw him, I was nice, but not too nice because I was still mad at him? Would I ever forgive myself? I don't want to ever question whether or not I've fully appreciated my life and the people and things in it. So from here on out, it's appreciate, be grateful for, take advantage of, and love my life.

I never want to be the kind of person who whines and makes excuses but NEVER actually DOES anything to better my situation... if I'm ever, ever, EVER being like that, PLEASE tell me!

Hey cute boy, not sleeping gives me more time to think about you... but since you came along, I haven't thought of much else anyway... just the basics, you know? Get up, eat, drink, sleep... and now that I'm not sleeping, that eliminates half of my other thoughts. Good thing I'm not anorexic, cuz then it'd be an all-day-just-drinking-and-thinking-of-you-fest in this house. Anyway, so I was thinking... I hope you have a good day... and I hope I get to talk to you later... and these next 11 days are going to feel like an eternity.

Hook is one of the greatest movies ever made, and I'll take on anyone who begs to differ (JB - I'm talking to you!). My favorite part is when Tinkerbell is carrying Peter off to Neverland in a sheet (cuz he still doesn't realize he's Pan). She's sprinkling fairy dust as she goes, and it falls on a couple who are kissing on a bridge. They start floating because their happy thoughts are each other... My happy thought is you.

If someone's trying to reach me and can't, no worries... I'm on cloud 9...

I have no choice but to believe you - you are too wonderful for me not to take seriously. I wish you were right next to me so I could say thank you with a kiss instead of just writing it all the time. Know that I feel the exact same way about you - I feel retarded, you should see me... I show your picture to people who are practically strangers, tell them how cute you are and how much I miss you. Everything reminds me of you, so basically I have a permanent smile pasted on my face cuz I smile every time I think of you. I should be down there on the 6th or the 7th, less than two weeks... seems like forever. I can't stay long, probably only a night, but any amount of time with you is better than being so far away from you. Our timing was pretty shitty, but I don't care - I would've much rather had that one night with you than spent the whole summer living with the void that you've filled... I would've rather had that one night with you than spent even one day not feeling the way that I feel right now.

I don't think you understand that no one's ever been this sweet to me. I don't know the difference between sweet talk and sincerity (especially online) because I've experienced neither. Please don't say things unless you mean them, cuz if I were to find out that the wonderful things you say to me are generic, just lines stored in your lexicon so you can use them on any girl who comes along, I would be thoroughly disappointed. I think that you're one of those fabled "nice guys" that are said not to exist... that's what I hope anyway. But I just wanted to let you know that if you don't mean it, then don't say it, cuz I've been hurt plenty, and I could definitely go forever without any more heartache. That said, I still can't stop smiling =D