Okay, why do I do this to myself? I'm 20 years old, for goodness sake - I should NOT be afraid of the dark! And considering that I am afraid of the dark, then wouldn't it just make sense for me to SLEEP at night!?! I've seen the sun come up going-on-four days now... that's not normal! Granted, my mom's house is scary, but if it were any house but my own, I would have no qualms about sleeping here, staying up late by myself here, whatever... I'm so sick of being scared. I've lived in fear of this nameless "boogey man" for almost TEN YEARS!!! Am I ever going to get over it? Am I ever just going to say, "Fuck it. What's gonna happen is gonna happen. If the man stalking around outside my window really wants to rape and kill me, he's gonna no matter how scared I am of him and no matter how many locks I put on the door." I wish I could say that... is overcoming my fears a conscious decision? Is it something that I have any control over? Or is this just my lot in life... should I be content with that sick feeling in my stomach every time a sound outside is transformed into the sound of an attacker's footstep by my obviously overactive imagination? Geez, can't I put my mind to better use than just scaring the shit out of myself? I mean, I've lasted this long, and not once has the scary noise outside turned out to be an intruder of any kind... Only 15 more minutes till the sun comes up. And why is it that the sun suddenly dispels all fears? Can't I project my attitude towards the sun on some other object, like my pillow? Then I could be like, "Oh, it's cool. No need to be scared - my pillow's here." Ahhh, that would be so much easier! So anyway, I thought it would be all good tonight, since I haven't really had any big scares since I've been here (but three out of the 6 nights that I've been home I've been at Sarah's...). I was lying in the living room watching a movie (Phenomenon - a sappy flick cuz there's no drama or scary stuff at night... no need to be a catalyst to my stupid, stupid imagination) and I thought I heard a car door slam outside. My mom's house is completely by itself out here in the boonies, so if a car door slams, it's a pretty safe bet that the car is in the driveway. Anyway, I looked out the window (a huge step for me, cuz "what if I look out the window and somebody looks back at me?"), and of course there was nothing there. About a half hour goes by, and I swear that I heard two footsteps right outside on the walkway. That scared me so badly that I turned on all the lights and just stood by my mom's bedroom door, staring at the front door, ready to scream if I saw ANYTHING move. After about five minutes of standing perfectly still (except for the shaking, of course), I decided that it must've been my imagination again, so I laid back down. Then I heard another loud noise coming from the side of the house (this could very easily have been explained by animals, or a tree banging on something, or something rational like that, but I was still totally on edge)

!!! HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT MORE NOISES MORE NOISES I HATE THIS HOUSE I HATE THIS HOUSE !!!

Okay, woke up my mom again (I didn't get that far in my story, but I woke my mom up the first time after I heard the "footsteps" and the "man outside", and she stayed up with me for 45 minutes or so until I felt better - she's great), and my STUPID CAT!!! Freaking Boots was making a racket on the other side of the house, making me think she was an axe murderer or something. Anyway, to make a long story not so short, I'm basically afraid of everything at night, and I'd sleep a whole lot easier if I weren't.

So I've known for awhile that love is a crazy, crazy, super powerful thing... but sometimes I forget. I forget because I haven't been in love in so long, and I forget because I'm not really surrounded by people in love. But Sarah and John are in love. It's hard for me to deal with, and hard for all of us to accept, but it's just the way that it is... Yesterday we were talking, and Sarah was telling me all the reasons why she never wanted to talk to John again, and how she was so happy to be home because she needed so badly to get away from him. But where are they now? Oh yeah, they're in her bed, just laying there together, cuz they're so happy to be with each other again. They've only been apart for like three days!!! So again I say: Love is a crazy, crazy, super powerful thing. They're so wrong for each other, but because they love each other, they'll keep trying to make it work. Marijeanne's gonna FREAK OUT when she finds out John's here... she's either going to find the nearest heavy, blunt object and try to beat him with it, or she'll just scream at him until she loses her voice. They have a mutual hatred, so at least his feelings won't be hurt when she goes attempted murder on his ass. It's so crazy to me that two of the strongest, most independent girls I've ever known, Sarah and my sister, can be in relationships like these... I never thought either of them would be the type to let a guy tell them what to do. Sooni always got so pissed at me when I would cry over the way that Jordan treated me... she would tell me that I was stupid for being like that and that I should just walk away. Now she finally understands that you're not the same person when you're in love... love makes you stupid and blind and weak. I don't want it to sound like I have this pessimistic attitude about love, because I don't... I just think it depends on the person you're in love with. Both people have to be stable and emotionally secure for it to be the kind of love that I want... I want to be blindly in love with someone, but not the kind that makes me weak. I don't think you're made weak unless you do nothing when you feel that you're being taken advantage of... and the next person I fall in love with would never take advantage of me. I don't want drama. Drama makes life interesting - that's the truth. But it also makes life so hard that it's almost not even worth it to be in love... those moments when things are wonderful can never fully make up for the times when you feel that your heart is being ripped out by the very person that you adore the most. So no more drama for me - I want to keep it simple. Everyone has to experience their piece of dramatic love before they can have the love that they truly deserve... that's what I'm forced to tell myself, anyway, since everyone I love (myself included) has either been through or is going through some sort of crazy relationship. Anyway, I'm totally and completely rambling and I don't think that I have a point... except that I can't believe that John's here... and I can't believe that Sarah just ate up his apology. Wait, I'm lying... I can believe both of those things, because people in love are so predictable. I love that and I can't handle that about them at the same time...

Vida, I'll call you tomorrow when I finally get back to my own house. I can't wait to hear all about the ZOO!!!

Hey cute boy - I miss you...

Hmmm, still at Sarah's, and it's drama to your mama here at the Hodge residence. John showed up at the door a few hours ago... my reaction: HOLY SHIT! I can't believe he's here! So in order to cope with the present stressful situation, we went out and bought the workings of strawberry daquiris and are in the process of making them... ahhh, I don't think there's anything better than drowning your troubles in alcohol. Wait, I can think of way better things... like seeing you again... but, you're not here and the rum is... so I'm gonna drink it up (with Sarah's mom! The night just keeps getting crazier and crazier!!!) I haven't been home in two or three days, so I haven't really talked to my mom about Florida... except I know that she thinks we're driving. Ha! That's funny shit... maybe if our car had air conditioning, then maybe I'd think about driving there, but right now, it's out of the question (as if I have a say in it). The mosquitoes here are INSANE!!! I wish I could sit down and have a nice, civilized talk with them and say, "Listen, I know that you guys gotta eat, and I understand that your choice of cuisine just happens to be my blood. However, is there any possible way that you could stay away from my feet and my face?" And then they would politely reply, "Why yes, Erin. We can certainly manage that... it's an extremely reasonable request and we'd be happy to honor it." Ahhhh, if only the world were so simple...

Didn't wake up until 4 this afternoon, and I think it's already bedtime... I'm a lazy piece of shit. But it's cool... that's what summer's for, right? I'm still at Sarah's house... considering our lack of transportation, I think I'll just end up living here for the next week or so, which is quite a daunting proposition... it's dirty here. She knows it, and she hates it just as much as I do... damn! I always forget how dirty this place is until I come back... the bathrooms are just plain gross, so we'll see what happens when I have to take a shower tomorrow... Anyway, I'm off to bed...

Hope you're having fun in Vegas - win some money and buy me some diamonds... haha

Trip to SF and back was very successful... sooooo wonderful to be with my girls again. We haven't been together since Christmas... now if only Louisa and America were here, everything would be perfect. We stopped in Vacaville to have dinner with Sarah's mom, Joan Cabral, and Valerie Taresh (moms of boys I went to jr high and high school with)... they are freaking hilarious!

I don't understand... nobody's online except for Thomas, Jeff, and Joyce... where is everyone!?!

So for those who don't know, I figured I'd explain the name of my blog... first quarter of freshman year I found a note on the ground of my chem class that said: Bob-- The rash came back. Call soon. -- Sue. It was the funniest shit ever, and the first weird thing of many to go on our common area wall... Anyway, Ashlee just found it when we cleaned out our room - I thought she'd thrown it away last year. I just thought I'd share because I'm really, really excited that I still have it.

So I'm retarded... we took my mom's car down to SF on the condition that we let her use Marijeanne's car to get home from work. So we got back to my mom's house, went in and said hi, and then went to leave... we had to move Sarah's luggage from one car to the other, so I still had my mom's keys. Then we left... and when we got to Sarah's house (it's a 30-40 min drive from my mom's house to Durham) I realized I still had the freaking keys in my pocket. So Sarah and I had to drive ALL the way BACK to my mom's and give her the keys cuz she doesn't have any spares and she has to work in the morning (although, I think she could've just not gone... she has quit, after all). It's been a LONG day, and I really need to go to bed... but Hodge and I will probably stay up all night talking anyway.

Hey, my friends think you're cute too :)

OMG - my mom quit her job! Looks like we're going to Florida!

Why do I do this to myself? I didn't go to sleep until 6 this morning, and now I'm up at noon... I guess I'm happy that I'm up already, cuz at least I didn't sleep the WHOLE day away. Anyway, I bought The Eminem Show yesterday... my mom was appalled by some of it, and I think she was most horrified by the fact that I thought the whole thing is really funny.

I have to take a shower now before we leave to pick up Sarah from the airport (YAYYYYY!!!!!), but I just wanted to write down all my contact info for the people that don't have it. My # here is (530)934-9445, and my mom's living in the dark ages without an answering machine, so if it rings and rings, that means we're not here... You can write to erpark@ucsd.edu or erinsparkles@isellcars.com, or if you really think I'm great and you want to send me a real letter, my address is PO Box 1125 Willows, CA 95988.

Hey cute boy - have a good day... I'll be thinking about you...

Sarah's coming home tomorrow! (Well, today, but you know what I mean...) I'm so freaking excited - Marijeanne and I are going to SF to pick her up from the airport - she gets in at 7:30. I haven't seen that girl in way too long - she needs to come live with me, I think.

I'm trying to get my room in order... it's still a bit scary, but with a lot of light and loud music, it's not nearly as bad. I got pictures developed today and I laughed my ass off - my friends are so funny.

Anyway...
Vida - things will look up for you, you know that. I know how you feel cuz we're both "homeless," but no matter where you are, you should have good friends... I'm in SD (well, I will be) and I love you... you know I want you to come back, but I also just want you to be happy. I hope that you can continue to find yourself in Seattle... we can learn and grow from every trial in our lives, and I think you need to use this time to your advantage. Learn as much as you can about yourself and the world, because pretty soon we'll be old and it'll be too late to do the things we really want to do... don't limit yourself. Be who you are, because you know you're wonderful. Don't let other people get in the way of your happiness. And most importantly, don't forget that I love you.

Marc - you are the best. Your e-mail made me cry... Thank you for the advice - I think I'll take it. I'll write you back soon...

Daco - if you read this, have fun and be safe this summer. I didn't really get to say goodbye, but I'll miss you. Good luck in your quest for fobbiness!

Norm - I never thought I'd so look forward to reading someone's profile every day... I can't thank you enough for making me feel so loved. There's so much I have to say, but the words just won't come... but it's okay. You know.

I haven't smiled this much in a long time.

Thank you.

We made it home alive! This may not seem like a big deal to some, but let me describe a bit of my nine hour ride of terror and perhaps you'll feel my pain. So the car was so completely packed that there was no possible way you could see out the back. This made it so that I had to stay awake the whole time (which was a HUGE struggle, by the way) and make sure my mom wasn't going to hit anyone/be hit by anyone on the right. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that the radio was on so loud (so we could sing and stay awake) that this is an example of a conversation leading up to changing lanes (keep in mind that we're both totally yelling): Mom: "Is it clear?" Me: "What?" Mom: "Is there anyone there?" Me: "No." Mom: "No, it's not clear? Or no, there's nobody there?" Me: Go! Go! Go!" Anyway, it's a good thing the trip didn't take a minute longer than it did bcause my mom was beginning to do away with all those little things that make driving fun. You know, things like staying in your own lane and gradually coming to a stop at stop signs instead of slamming on the brakes. But who needs that crap anyway? All in all, though, it was an okay trip - I really appreciate the fact that my mom drove all the way down one day and all the way back up the next day just for me. My mom is awesome - a hug from her can always make everything okay.

So I cried when I said goodbye to Ashlee yesterday - I'm so worried about her. She's been my roommate for two years - what if her new roommates don't like her or vice versa? Who's going to give her advice when she needs it (which is always)? Who's going to edit her papers and reassure her that her cheeks are NOT fat? Who's going to laugh with her about nothing until they fall asleep? I feel like more than her roommate, more than her friend - I feel like her mom. I'm so protective of her... yes, sometimes she's hard to live with, but overall I would never have picked anyone else to be my roommate for my first two years of college. I really love that girl. Roommates for life baby!

Friday night was awesome, and I really didn't want it to end because in the back of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about how I had to leave the next day. So I know that a lot can happen and change in three months, but I really, really hope that things can be the same when I go back to SD. Life is so unfair sometimes! Just when I get a chance... You say that you want me to have fun over the summer, and I will... but I'd rather have you here with me.