Only a few more days left here in SD, and I'm pretty sad about it. Just when I started to feel like I belonged again, I'm being uprooted and forced to go somewhere foreign. I think what's worse than being in a strange place is being in a strange place that used to be your home. When Home is no longer Home, it's a pretty depressing place to be. I don't want to go... I love my family and my friends who are still up in Chico, but it's not the same place where I grew up, and I still want it to be. I want to drive down the street and wave at every person who passes because I recognize their cars and they recognize mine. I want to go over to my best friends' houses every day, just to chill. I want to cruise downtown Chico with my girls, listening to Tom Petty blaring and laughing hysterically about nothing at all. I want to have a party at my house and have everyone smoke out in my room and sing Sublime songs at the top of our lungs. I want all of my boys to still be hard-drug-free... there was a time when I could look at them with love and hope with all my heart that they would do something with their lives, because there was still that possibility. Now it seems so hopeless for them, and I want to cry for them... but that won't do them or me any good. I still love them all, but it hurts me to see them destroy themselves slowly. I never would have believed that the boys I've grown up with would turn out so badly... they're all such great people, and so smart... it's just sad. I can't think of Chico and Durham as my home in the same way that I used to, but San Diego still isn't completely "home" to me either. So in a way, I'm homeless...
Anyway, I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow, but it's just the student health center, and they lick balls. I don't think they're even real doctors, which is disappointing when you consider that there's a med school and five million hospitals right here with state of the art technology and information. But do we get a piece of that action? Of course not - we're stuck with retarded "doctors" who tell me to buy a thermometer when I have laryngitis and pharyngitis instead of giving me antibiotics. Also, I'm supposed to hang out with Aaron tomorrow, and it's the first time I'll have seen him since he broke it off... I'm a little anxious, and I just hope that it's not weird. Every guy who breaks up with me says, "I still want to be friends," and then it never happens - he just disappears. As long as Aaron doesn't ditch me tomorrow, then he still has one-up on all the other guys.
Speaking of guys, I think that I should give up on them. Not because there aren't any good ones, or because I don't get any of the good ones, or because they're all assholes or anything like that. It's more like because I am just so confused... there are so manywonderful guys that I could totally like if I let myself, and I don't know how to pick just one. And what if the one that I pick doesn't like me back? And what if that ruins my chances with the others? And should I start something at home when I'll only be there for the summer? And should I start something in SD when I'll only be here for the first quarter of next year? I don't know!!! All I know is that I really want a hug, and I really want it from a guy who cares about me. That's all... just a hug... just a hug that's ready and waiting whenever I need it. I want a guy that I can just call up when I need someone to talk to - someone who's willing to listen to my stupid problems as long as I listen to his. I don't have that person, and I haven't for a really, really, really long time. I think I've waited long enough and gone through enough semi-serious-but-actually-stupid-relationships to last me the rest of my life. So boys, listen up! If you're ready to be the guy that I can call, and the guy who will give me a hug whenever I need it, just let me know. I PROMISE that I will be more than willing to reciprocate, and I PROMISE that you will not be disappointed.
So it's really, really late, and I guess I should go to sleep. I can't believe this year's almost over. Crazy madness. One final thought before I go: Who would ever think to name a children's character Grimace? Grimace is not a pleasant word in the least, yet the big purple McDonald's blob always seems to be happy... so his name doesn't fit his personality... so whose crappy idea was that? And, what the hell IS Grimace, anyway? I've asked numerous McDonald's employees (it was always a goal of the wrestling team to see how much shit we could give the crew of fast food places before we got kicked out... dude, I miss those days so much... donkey piles and van wars... the feeling that the team really was your family, because you don't go through that much shit with a group of people and not consider them your brothers), and they don't even know... Sometimes, I have so much to write, that I don't know what to write. Now is one of those times, and since I can't sit here and stare at the computer all night, I really have to get to bed... I'm gonna miss the safety of my bed here - my mom's house is scary.
