So Aaron and I had a talk tonight and he decided that we should just be friends... I'm not sure how I feel about this. I saw it coming, and I kind of felt the same way, so I understand where he's coming from (except he obviously had a reason, but wouldn't share it). I'm disappointed that things didn't work out in the way that I had initially hoped, but also happy that I no longer have to doubt myself and our relationship. I don't know what this means as far as my feelings toward other people goes, but I suppose it can't hurt. All I want is for someone to appreciate me for all the little things that make me so unique, and I want that person to want to spend time with me. I don't know if that's asking too much, but I don't think it is. The real loss that I'm feeling is that Aaron was the first "good" guy that I ever dated. All of the others have been total assholes. I'm starting to think that a relationship with me is impossible, even though I feel that I've progressed by leaps and bounds emotionally. I feel that I'm a stable person who has so much love to give, and I don't understand why others wouldn't view me in the same light. I'm glad things with Aaron ended the way that they did, with mutual understanding and ultimately, friendship. Well, I hope there can still be a friendship anyway... I've had countless guys give me the whole "you're so cool, and I totally still want to be good friends" shpeal, just to see them disappear completely from my life in a matter of days. Aaron is an awesome person, he gives me new insight (which is always a good thing), and he makes me laugh. I just wish that I could be confident... I wish that nobody could ever make me doubt myself. On the surface, I can say that I am wonderful and that I'm deserving of a wonderful relationship, but I'm not sure that I believe that deep down. I want a guy to be so enveloped by my awesomeness that he is totally retarded over me. I have to be my optimistic self and think that everything will get better - that everything works out for the best in the end. But why is the road to happiness so hard? Why is it paved with broken glass and laced with salt that flows through my wounds and increases the horrific intensity of my pain?
All in all, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud for not crying, and I'm proud for not letting this setback toss me into a spiral of depression and self-loathing. There was a time when I wouldn't have gotten out of bed for days because of this. Even though I'm handling this quite well, and in what I would deem a healthy manner, it still makes me think that I am not worthy. But why? Why am I not worthy of love? Of somebody else's affection? Of somebody else's caring thoughts and actions?
All of this is just so confusing... I know it must be for the best, but what is "the best?" Is the best being with someone else? Is the best having nobody to turn to when I'm in dire need and further experiencing what it is like to be on my own? Is the best expressing my feelings of affection toward another? Is the best doing what I always do, which is absolutely nothing? I don't know... I wish someone were here to guide me through all of this... I wish my girls were here to tell me what to do.

I'm soooo lazy, but at least I went to class today... we'll see if I wake up in time for class tomorrow. Aaron made me sign a paper promising that I would go to all of my classes or else he's allowed to scare me or something... it's so cute, he's like my mom. I think tomorrow night I'm going to hang out with him and his brother (who's gay), who is the funniest person alive. Then banquet on Saturday - yay!

Okay, this is the third time I've changed my damn template in about five minutes... what I really need to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. But whenever I start to fall asleep I itch like crazy all over... weird... and totally annoying.

Sometimes I think I'm a horrible person. I'd really like for someone to tell me I'm not, but more than that, to tell my HOW I'm not. I don't think we tell each other how great we are enough... I try to tell my friends how wonderful they are whenever I can, and I think more people should do the same (with me... tell me I'm wonderful). Unless of course, I AM a horrible person, in which case I wouldn't want people to lie.

I'm totally rambling, and I'll stop now.

I can't figure out how to change my template again... I'm retarded.

I'm such a retard - I just wrote a whole bunch and then changed my template without posting first... thus losing everything. Anyway, it's been over a month since I wrote cuz I'm lazy like that. I'm still dating one of the Aarons, and things are going pretty well - kind of. I mean, he's totally wonderful and everything that I would ever want in a guy, but sometimes I think that he's not as into me as I would like him to be. After all, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me for everything that I have to offer? Let's face it folks - I'm wonderful. I'm not saying I'm going to stop seeing Aaron or anything, but I hate having to doubt myself or feeling inadequate when I'm not with him. When we're together it's great, but we only talk once or twice a week and see each other once a week... it's like we're in a long distance relationship or something. I want someone who wants to spend every minute with me - isn't that how it's supposed to be for at least the first month or so? I want someone who smiles when I walk into the room, someone who smiles when he merely thinks of me. Even though Aaron is awesome, it doesn't seem to be developing (on my side as well) into a full-on romantic relationship... I think maybe he'd be better as a good friend... but then again, he is soooo cute and I do really want to jump him whenever I'm with him. But then there is Sunday night to consider in the overall situation also, when I finally let myself do what I've wanted to do all year... Knowing me, I probably won't do anything about anything... I'm too lazy to take any sort of life-altering action.

I'm really worried about my sister - her situation is way more drama than mine, and I wish there were something I could say to convince her to get out of it. I just want her to be the same when I talk to her on the phone - I want to hear the excitement for life in her voice that has been there her whole life. Fuck Steve for robbing her of that - he's changing her into a zombie. She's not allowed to have friends or do anything she really wants to do, like be young and have fun. She's barely even allowed to talk to or see my mom anymore, and I know Sooni feels like she has no place to go. It's either stay with Steve or go back home with Mom - either situation looks dire for her. I really hope that when I go home, she'll be okay with coming back to Mom's house - maybe I can provide that comfort that I used to... I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I've failed her as a sister. I feel like my leaving home led to her demise. I know we fought, but I also know that I'm the reason that things weren't worse at home for a long time... as soon as I left her and Mom started fighting all the time. I feel like I haven't been a good enough role model for her. I feel like it's my fault that she's so alone now. I just want her to be happy. I want her to live with me. I want to protect her 24 hours a day and tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her smile. I want to laugh with her about stupid shit, and I want to give her a hug. I want to do the dishes with her, and I want to drive around town looking for something to do with her. I just want to be there. I just want her to be here. I want her to realize that she is beautiful inside and out, no matter what her shitty ass boyfriend makes her think. Only two weeks till I go home to tell her all of this...

I'm gonna go smoke now, even though it's 4 in the morning, because writing about Aaron and then my sister put me in a shitty mood... nicotine is my best friend sometimes.